Quotes from Dave Barry

"Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs--bank vice presidents, insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense--and you'll realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears mens wear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you--Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny--and they all succeed. Are you catching on?"



"In fact, most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far less money."



"Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as 'A penny saved is a penny earned.' Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office."



"I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up:
You: Hello? Bob?
Bob: Yes?
You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 'Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ...' No, wait. I mean: 'you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill and ...' No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to have to get back to you.
Bob: Fine."



"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."



"Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called 'wise men.' All the other pre- historic people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: 'How about: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about ...'"