CNY brings the best joys in terms of ambience as most of my closest family members celebrate it. I enjoy Xmas very much as well but that enjoyment is more for its meaning, family unity and the joy of putting up and taking down the Xmas tree. So enjoyable you want to just walk over to the neighbour's house to kick the cat. But you know what I mean.
Xmas gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling in you and you can spend time just with your loved ones in a quiet confine with the carols softly playing over the sound system, while sipping wine or chocolate. But while CNY makes me more broke than any other festival, it just has that get up feeling that makes you wanna jump up and go under the lion and dance like you have ants in your pants.......just dont see the ang pows going out. That's why i don't give out any pows. HINT! HINT!
Anyway as tradition dictates, we will go to one of my uncle's house for the traditional CNY dinner on the eve of CNY. Those of you barbarians who just came back pillaging and burping in every direction wantonly, it is a Chinese tradition for the family to get together for dinner on the eve. It's a time for reconciliation and making peace and all dat bull-shit! Being in a chinese family, you know that doesnt happen. It's just a time to gossip, re-kindle your homicidal feeling towards those you have been dying to kill. It's not always like dat as you will have family you truly love but also those you want to bury.
Well, for me, we go to one of my uncle's house for dinner and peace making. If you ask which side of my family this uncle is from, you really need very strong shock theraphy and I would recommend a dose of rat poison to go with it. I don't dread the meeting once a year to make small talk with people I have absolutely nothing in common with. I absolutely adore my Chinese side of the family and this uncle who is hosting our dinner really has a heart of gold. He has always been there for us and his sisters until today. What I am complaining about is the state of his house. My uncle is one of the tidiest persons on this planet and he is also one hell of a cook. So this complain is definitely targeted at someone else in the house, I dont wanna name names but its my aunt. Let me point out and stress that she is only related to us by marriage.
It all starts when you enter the drive way. There are shoes everywhere. Shoes since biblical times with sandals covered with shell fish from the Red Sea when the Israelites crossed it. These shoes are old and dirty and its definitely time to be taken out and burned. One shoe has dog poo in it that is so hard and been in dat shoe for so long that every time someone walks past, the movement will push more poo powder deeper into the shoe. Looks like a vampire got caught in sunlight and burnt to powder. Only difference, this poo has been there since Cheng Ho came over.
Then you enter the living room where you have clothes on the sofa and drawers and manila cardboards on top of a piano so that everyone cramps into one corner of the room. Maybe she wants us to be close. I then noticed (this happens every year) a nice new broom leaning against the wall and when I tried to remove it to its proper place, I noticed it was there for a purpose. It was there to cover all the dust that it swept. No one has bothered to take a pan and sweep it away. You may now say, "Alwyn isn't it unfair to expect her to cook for you all AND clean the house? Maybe its a lot of work and you should be grateful she is doing this." Let me continue with the Fear Factor house tour and u be the judge.
We now come to the toilet where it is so slippery because of the soap residue that hasn't been totally cleaned, you can perform a swan spin without skates. It is also disgustingly horrific imagining what horrors of algae are climbing through the pores of your skin!!! So what my 8-10 year old cousins will do, they stand at the door of the toilet and pee inside while some of the pee droplets fall on their pile of clean clothes that were left outside the toilet. Happy New Year!! Food is always good but there are always these BLACK thick cobwebs that has been building up since the dinosaurs went extinct hanging over the dinner table. You sometimes see these cobwebs in really old coffeeshops or in dungeons in medieval England. So anything could have been included into dinner including baby spiders or remains from the spider's dinner. Yummy!
I am of course leaving the best for last. For some reason they have a potty in their room. You know a potty to pee in when you are too lazy or scared to go to the toilet? Back in the days when the built houses, rooms were not all attached with a bathroom (Horrors!! How did we live back then?!?!?!?!). So my son when he was about 3 and very clean (takes after his mother; irritatingly) he didnt want to go into the bathroom with algae or whatever radioactive substance on the floor. So we were suggested the potty. Here is the problem. It was filled to the brim with a murky yellow greenish liquid which could only be pee saved for some diabolical experiment from the start of World War I. Not only was it murky, it was bubbly which suggest that there are active and reproducing living organism in the liquid. I can't swear in a court of law but I am sure is capable of swallowing a small dog. I think that's where all the doggies who pooped in the shoes went.
We were then asked to move it so that my son could pee. Unfortunately I didnt have my HAZMAT suit or hazardous material handling suit that is used when handling radioactive materials and anthrax. Even then I am not sure I would be totally safe. Needless to say, my son rather peed in the street drain. Point to note, we only always stay about 2 hours max as we didnt want to be caught in the cobweb or have another arm growing on our foreheads.
So look out for the next fear factor visit to my uncle's house where only immense love and respect for my uncle brings me there every year. However, I am more than happy to be your tour guide if you are interested. Just make sure you had all your shots and the paramedics are standing by.
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