Many a Father's Day...

Father's Day has new meaning to me now. In the past, it used to take a bit of a mind boggle to decide where to take my Dad for dinner. It's not that he's a picky eater. It's because he's not a picky eater that makes it difficult. For him, it was more about spending time with us and his favourite person in the whole wide world...his grandson Michael. So to make it special for him and for everyone, I would be cracking my head every year on Father's Day and on his birthdays.

It's been 14 years since he left us suddenly. Yank from us in the prime of him life in my view. I still get angry about that. You see, my Dad and I shared a special bond ever since I was born. We had a very good relationship until I grew up to be an insufferable know-it-all teen. Our relationship suffered as he didn't really know how to be a Dad to a teen and I didn't know how to grow up properly. My family was beset with one tragedy and crisis after another. A typical Tamil movie setting. When you see all of this at a young age, you lose your childhood and grew up really fast. It can be confusing too. You want to grow up but at the same time be a normal kid and enjoy normal 80s kids stuff. Like going to Victoria Music Station in Sg Wang and listening to the latest pop songs (though I couldn't afford the cassettes), eating Jackson Burger in Sec 14. Sneaking into Piccadilly for tea dances at Atria. Going to the movies with the girl you like and your closest friends. My life dragged me kicking and screaming into adulthood.

So I had this gap in my life where my relationship with my Dad was cold. I know he tried to reach out but being a man brought up in the 40-50s in an Indian family, parents were never your friends. They were there to make sure you toe the line and kicked your ass if you didn't. My relationship with my Dad started to mend only after I met my wife. For some reason, from the first time he saw her, he said I will marry her. We were only dating a month then. I slowly started to understand him a little and when I calmed down, he was able to reach out.

When I planned my wedding, I did it on my own. Pretty much like anything I did at that time. My tertiary education choices, my job, my finances, etc. was all done on my own. I didn't consult them much. So when I was planning my wedding without him, he got understandably upset. So I told what I needed him to do, when to get ready and where to be at what time. He was shell shocked that I didn't expect him to pay anything for my wedding. My Dad has many traits and one of them is pride. So when he insisted, I said ok. Hey my Dad wants to pay right? Anyway, I was really grateful to him for that.

At the end of the wedding, he told me he didn't expect me to pull it off and didn't realise how I have grown up and how sorry he was to have missed it. I didn't think I needed to hear it but when he told me he was proud of me, for the first time, I cried.

It was the best hug I ever had.

When he passed, I was very busy with the funeral that I didn't have time to grief and his funeral being on Sept 11 2001 made me more focused on world events. About 11 months later when my father in law died, I realised that I had a lot of pent up grief for both these fantastic men in my life. I was a wreck and my whole life was an emotional mess. I'm pretty sure it made me lose my focus and had to leave my job.

It was the loneliest I have ever been.

Then something happened that I have told to very few people. I dreamt about my Dad. He came to me and asked what's wrong. It was so clear that I remember EXACTLY what it was like even after 14 years.
I asked him what he was doing here since he was dead.
He just smiled and said because he felt I needed him.
I told him I missed him and was lost. He smiled and said he was ok and was in a magnificent place.
I asked if he was in heaven and he smiled and nodded. I told him I wanted to see it.
He paused and said ok but I have to keep my head down and not look up until he said so as I was not ready.
So I looked down and let him take my hand. I was climbing these stairs made of huge glass cubes with flower designs on them. I remember thinking if these things could take my weight!

When he told me to look up, I was in the greenest meadow with rolling hills and a mountain in the backdrop. In the middle was a huge attap house and people were laughing, happy and drinking. I realised it was a pub! Like the ones he took me to when I was younger. Only the people were more beautiful and the place smelled incredible! Then people were calling him to join them and just like the old days, he put his hands on my shoulder and said "Hey, this is my eldest son.".

I missed that a lot.

He told me he was happy and fine and asked me to start living and start taking care of my mother, my brother, my wife, my son and my newborn daughter. Not to worry about him. Then I told him, that my father-in-law passed too and he said he knows and will pick him up after he is finished with his paperwork.
I remember asking him "Heaven also got immigration wan ah?"!!

Then he hugged me and walked to his "pub". As he walked away I sensed a presence next to me and it was someone in brilliant white. I don't know who it was but he said it was time for me to go and live. I looked at him and asked him to look out for my Dad. He said he will and when I turned away, I woke up.

I felt an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders! So liberating and happy and I cried and cried. Tears of joy and relief and also sadness.

Every Father's Day now, I think of my Dad in his place. Having a good time, looking out for us from the corner of eye and praying for us while fishing with my father in law.

Happy Father's Day Papa. We will always love you and I miss you terribly. God bless.