It seemed only yesterday that my son was covered in slime and looks like a really gross ugly old man, emerging from a person, with a tube connected to its stomach and the person it is coming out from. It's like a scene from a really gross and scary alien movie. I remembered one night Melissa woke me saying her water bag broke and she needed to go to the hospital. I don't care how many times you practiced it but when that time comes, a male Chindian brain will go into almost total shutdown.
I was running around looking for the bag of clothes packed in advanced like a refugee waiting for the boat, which has mysteriously hid from my sight. I believe at times like this, the Humour Fairy comes around and plays these tricks on you so that you will remember the incident more and build up your sense of humour.....that is if you don't turn into some psycho first la!!
So after many minutes (which seemed like eternity), I finally find the bag and accessories and Melissa is back in bed!!! I literally screamed unintelligibly though, about why she was in bed. Cooly she said, it wasn't water bag. She just peed in bed. WHAT??!! She said "No vagina, no opinion!". Oh...ok...back to bed.
It was the same the following night and this time for real. We rushed to the hospital and she was put on drips to rush the contraction and it finally came 10 hours later. I was sleeping on the labour room floor all this while and it felt like sleeping on a block of ice.
So Michael Sean David finally came...with all the blood and water gushing from Melissa onto the floor! How can a person hold so much?? How can she lose and leak so much blood and still be alive?? That is why I always believed that women are somehow aliens or something more sinister. How can you leak for 5-7 days every month and still be alive??????
The doctor looked like a fisherman in the market, dressed in a white apron and galoshes. All that water, blood, clots and stuff I don't wanna know flowing on the floor I was sleeping in!!!!
When the nurse brought my son to me, I thought he was the ugliest bean I have ever seen, like that alien from the movie "Total Recall"! He was crying blue murder maybe because we DRAGGED him out of this comfortable,safe, warm swimming pool he was in; but when I called out to him, he stopped, cocked his head towards me, listened for a while......and continued crying. I read to Melissa's stomach every night so I guess he recognized my voice even though it must have sounded funny and muffled through the stomach, water and placenta. How cool is that!!!!!
And so begins the journey of my son Michael Sean David. It's so hard to believe that was 11 years ago. Now he has girls writing him love letters, hanging out with him, wanting to come to his birthday party and giggling at him when he walks pass. At one time, we were called to school because he had 4 girls (that the teachers know of) sending him love letters, saying they love him and drawing pictures of them together with child and the teachers just wanted us to be aware of it. What scares me even more is that I have a daughter growing up close behind.
He came back one day asking me what he should write back to a 7 year old girl, who wrote to say her 9 year old sister loves him? I asked if he liked the girl as a friend and he said yes. So I told him to go ahead and say he loves her too. There were notes of happiness passed to him and it was kinda funny to see that they didn't really knew what to do next.
Then a classmate hears about it and says that she too has always loved him but too shy to mention. When he asked me what to do, I asked if he likes her too. He replied he did and liked her more. I asked if the girls knew each other and he said no. So I said, tell her you love her too but make sure they never know each other or become friends.
Then girl No.2's best friend who was always secretly in love with Mikey, decides to let her best friend be happy with Mikey and refrain from telling him that she loves him too. Instead she draws a picture of the both of them holding hands and a baby in the middle. The teacher saw, freaked out, asked her why she drew that, she told her everything and we were called to school! And that was when he was still 9! What drama! So typical of a Chindian boy when you have Bollywood and Hongkywood combined!!!!
He is in his tweens now and will be a teen soon. He is starting to show some teen angst and frustrations with adult authority and I have always tried to remember what it was like to be 11 and hopefully with that, I am firm but fair. He is starting to stay over his friend's house (all boys, no girls), going on class trips, participating in camps and sports, getting involved in supporting football teams and even growing a pimple!
I am also glad that he is building a close group of friends in school and from our neighbourhood. He is closest to 2 of them, Brian and Shane. Shane is my god-son, his god-brother who has migrated to Seattle for the last 5 years but they keep in constant touch and are best friends whenever they meet once every 2 to 3 years. It is hard to maintain a good friendship at such a young age and when you are growing at light speed but these 2 seem to keep very good at it. I hope that they will stay best friends always.
Brian is his cousin, my cousin Loke Yew's son. They have been best friends since they started school together. The cool thing about them so far, is that they always seem to find a common ground and compromise their ways. Brian is very athletic and lanky but he is able to bring Mikey into his circle and this ensures that they spend most of the hobby and free time together and helps improve Mikey in his sports. Interestingly in school, they have their own friends and grew up quite differently, with a different circle of friends but they managed to maintain that bond and share their different personalities to perfection. Today, they are very inseperable.
Recently, Mikey went to Malacca on a school trip, which is not too exciting but what was eye opening for me is that the came back with souvenirs for everyone. He bought me a beautiful boat model, my wife a coin pouch, his sister a bird whistle and my mom a pair of "Prada" sunglasses. And he kept it within budget. I never, never expected that of him as I don't even do that NOW let alone when I was 11.
It is more signs that he is growing up and there is nothing I can do about it. As parents, our only hope is that we are able to lead and show him different paths that he can choose from. Hopefully it will be a path that brings out the best in him as a person, is less painful, least resistant and guided by the Holy Spirit.
I only hope he grows out of his sleep talking soon before the scares the hell out of his school mates in camp. He can get up, yell, talk gibberish or even talk very intelligently, go back to sleep and have no recollection after.
If you think I am getting emotional, wait till my daughter's turn comes! Oh gosh, how I am dreading that day!!!!!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
In-laws that drive you nuts
It is said that you can't choose your relatives and you have no idea how much that statement rings true especially when you have really funny folks suddenly showing up as your relatives. Now i don't mean to diss my relatives but I do have two fairly new brothers-in-law who have joined our madhouse. They are husbands of my wife's sisters. My wife is the 2nd in a family of 7 siblings and the elder brother-in-law and I have always held the fort, doing the chores, the ferrying and also most of the housework (ok I hardly do any housework but I always have very good ideas). The youngest 2 sisters finally got married and these 2 are some of the wierdest and funniest around.
Let's call them Bola and Tat because that's their names and I am not making up their names! BTW, Bola means Ball in Malay. I have no idea what Tat means.
Anyway, Bola is married to Jessy and Tat is married to Angeline. I love my sisters-in-law dearly and since I have no sisters of my own, these two who are youngest were the ones that I am closest to. I am very glad to say that they endear themselves to my wife and me. So all their major happenings in life have always included us and I am very proud of that fact.
Let's start the torture with Tat. Angeline is the youngest and when I first met my wife, Melissa, she was only 11. She was fascinated with a Chindian as they have never met one in Kuantan (go google it). I will write later about how I met my in-laws and how Chindians get treated in the 1990 of Kuantan. Anyway, we use to take these Angeline and Jessy with us whenever we went out dating. I actually can't remember when there was ever a time I went out dating my wife without these two tagging along but all this is to point to the fact that we are close to them and definitely take a very serious view of the life partner.
I first met Tat when he came to my house and called me "Brother-in-law". I really wanted to let it slide but COME ON!!!! You meet a guy for the first time and you call me brother-in-law????? For our foreign friends who call everyone by name, we Asians have a title for our elders and betters. All are called by titles and rarely by name. It is not wrong to call the name but very frowned upon and sounds very rude unless being given the green light to do so by said person. So, calling a total stranger by title is not something accepted by me. Since we are strangers and you are not married into the family, I said "Brother-in-law is not for you to call. You can call me Alwyn." I thought it was ok but I realized that my wife almost died when she heard that and quickly ushered him out of the bedroom. Oh yeah, he came in some wee hours of the morning (10am on a Saturday) and walked into my bedroom and call me the wrong thing! Sheesh!!!
Well this bro-in-law is a really mommy's boy. He is very devoted to his parents and younger sister but also to his wife. Which is a good thing. However, due to his devotion to his parents, he has hardly been exposed. For example, until about 2 months ago, he has never taken "sup kambing" or lamb soup which is VERY popular in Malaysia's supper life. Malaysian supper is a big way of life and we Chindians as well as ALL Malaysians swear by it.....except mommy's boy! Angeline is a very outgoing and adventurous person and likes to travel and shop whenver she can but Tat has only been to Singapore (which is 5 hours drive from Kuantan and 45mins by plane) twice. Once when he was 8 and the next time about 2 years ago.
He is also very clingy to Angeline. Everytime she is in KL to visit without him, he will call 2-3 times an hour asking things like what are you doing, have you eaten, what did you eat, why did you eat that, how did they make it, did it taste better than Kuantan, did it make you uncomftable, did you take a dump after dat, what colour was it, how come you not home yet, blah, blah, into telephone irritation and eternity!!! Once Angeline asked to check out her back to ensure you that she wasn't leaking since it was "that-time-of-the-month". Our genius actually walked to the back, lifted her t-shirt and peered into her ass as if the secret of the universe was written there!!! He then looked at the chair, peered again and then remarked loudly "Nope you are clean! No leakage." This was done in a restaurant so that everyone in the restaurant and their uncle knew what "time-of-the-month" it was! Sigh...typical example of common sense not very common. Still he is kind and very helpful.
Next we come to Kung Fu Panda's Po. Bola was called so because that's his name in Chinese. Directly translated, his name means Wide Ball. I dunno, maybe his family hated him or he really looked like a basketball when he was born. I think he looks like Po because he is genuinely unpretentious, good hearted and very easy going. He is also round, clumsy and causes accidents like that chap in that movie "God's Must be Crazy" who keeps knocking everything down.
He smokes and has burnt Jessy many times from his total clumsiness. My sister in law has burns on her hands and clothes to prove it. Once at a wedding, Jessy was wearing a long black scarf and they went up the stage to take a picture. When they walked down, he had the scarf stuck on his arm and nearly pulled Jessy down the stage, high heels, gown and all. She was striking a VERY un-ladylike pose when she stumbled in her evening wear.
He has also run over our toes many times with the baby pram and once broke my car seat handle as he was trying to lift the seat up. There are countless near "death" experiences with Bola Po that I have not the space and time to write.
But having said all that, I don't think I will trade these two for anyone....unless of course their wives will trade for them since will embarass her to death and the other will drive her life insurance premium through the roof!! All said and done, they are family and while we laugh at each other (actually more of me laughing at them), we also stick together. Let's hope their kids will outgrow their dads and be more cool!
Let's call them Bola and Tat because that's their names and I am not making up their names! BTW, Bola means Ball in Malay. I have no idea what Tat means.
Anyway, Bola is married to Jessy and Tat is married to Angeline. I love my sisters-in-law dearly and since I have no sisters of my own, these two who are youngest were the ones that I am closest to. I am very glad to say that they endear themselves to my wife and me. So all their major happenings in life have always included us and I am very proud of that fact.
Let's start the torture with Tat. Angeline is the youngest and when I first met my wife, Melissa, she was only 11. She was fascinated with a Chindian as they have never met one in Kuantan (go google it). I will write later about how I met my in-laws and how Chindians get treated in the 1990 of Kuantan. Anyway, we use to take these Angeline and Jessy with us whenever we went out dating. I actually can't remember when there was ever a time I went out dating my wife without these two tagging along but all this is to point to the fact that we are close to them and definitely take a very serious view of the life partner.
I first met Tat when he came to my house and called me "Brother-in-law". I really wanted to let it slide but COME ON!!!! You meet a guy for the first time and you call me brother-in-law????? For our foreign friends who call everyone by name, we Asians have a title for our elders and betters. All are called by titles and rarely by name. It is not wrong to call the name but very frowned upon and sounds very rude unless being given the green light to do so by said person. So, calling a total stranger by title is not something accepted by me. Since we are strangers and you are not married into the family, I said "Brother-in-law is not for you to call. You can call me Alwyn." I thought it was ok but I realized that my wife almost died when she heard that and quickly ushered him out of the bedroom. Oh yeah, he came in some wee hours of the morning (10am on a Saturday) and walked into my bedroom and call me the wrong thing! Sheesh!!!
Well this bro-in-law is a really mommy's boy. He is very devoted to his parents and younger sister but also to his wife. Which is a good thing. However, due to his devotion to his parents, he has hardly been exposed. For example, until about 2 months ago, he has never taken "sup kambing" or lamb soup which is VERY popular in Malaysia's supper life. Malaysian supper is a big way of life and we Chindians as well as ALL Malaysians swear by it.....except mommy's boy! Angeline is a very outgoing and adventurous person and likes to travel and shop whenver she can but Tat has only been to Singapore (which is 5 hours drive from Kuantan and 45mins by plane) twice. Once when he was 8 and the next time about 2 years ago.
He is also very clingy to Angeline. Everytime she is in KL to visit without him, he will call 2-3 times an hour asking things like what are you doing, have you eaten, what did you eat, why did you eat that, how did they make it, did it taste better than Kuantan, did it make you uncomftable, did you take a dump after dat, what colour was it, how come you not home yet, blah, blah, into telephone irritation and eternity!!! Once Angeline asked to check out her back to ensure you that she wasn't leaking since it was "that-time-of-the-month". Our genius actually walked to the back, lifted her t-shirt and peered into her ass as if the secret of the universe was written there!!! He then looked at the chair, peered again and then remarked loudly "Nope you are clean! No leakage." This was done in a restaurant so that everyone in the restaurant and their uncle knew what "time-of-the-month" it was! Sigh...typical example of common sense not very common. Still he is kind and very helpful.
Next we come to Kung Fu Panda's Po. Bola was called so because that's his name in Chinese. Directly translated, his name means Wide Ball. I dunno, maybe his family hated him or he really looked like a basketball when he was born. I think he looks like Po because he is genuinely unpretentious, good hearted and very easy going. He is also round, clumsy and causes accidents like that chap in that movie "God's Must be Crazy" who keeps knocking everything down.
He smokes and has burnt Jessy many times from his total clumsiness. My sister in law has burns on her hands and clothes to prove it. Once at a wedding, Jessy was wearing a long black scarf and they went up the stage to take a picture. When they walked down, he had the scarf stuck on his arm and nearly pulled Jessy down the stage, high heels, gown and all. She was striking a VERY un-ladylike pose when she stumbled in her evening wear.
He has also run over our toes many times with the baby pram and once broke my car seat handle as he was trying to lift the seat up. There are countless near "death" experiences with Bola Po that I have not the space and time to write.
But having said all that, I don't think I will trade these two for anyone....unless of course their wives will trade for them since will embarass her to death and the other will drive her life insurance premium through the roof!! All said and done, they are family and while we laugh at each other (actually more of me laughing at them), we also stick together. Let's hope their kids will outgrow their dads and be more cool!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
My brother is rarely mentioned in previous articles and its not because I don't have a great relationship with him. Maybe its just timing or since I do my writing late at night, your priorities are a little screwed up. I am going to devote this article to my bro and how it was like growing up. The other reason I am doing this is also because my bro is extremely funny, talented and lazy. Even when he is not trying, he is funny. Also the fact that he is about 6'2" and weighs a LOT and looks like a huge tree and since he can snap me like a twig or stomp me flatter than a cheap chapati, I tot it was time to write something about our lives.
Jude is 5 years younger so when he came about, we weren't really expecting him. He is named after St Jude the patron saint of hopeless cases. 'Nuff said don't you think? He was always large when we were kids and it was always easy to pick him out from his class photo with about 50 classmates as he is always the one that takes up 3spaces. When he as 8, his waist was already 32 and by the time he was 11 he was already 40. So he was huge as a kid and that kinda made him conscious about it.
The reason he was big, was because he loved to eat and my mom loved to see him eat. When he was 8, he could already eat 10 char siew pau in one sitting. We are not talking the wimpy, diet watching, cholestrol controlling type of pau we have now. We are talking pau built to last and pau that had no health restrictions and can be used to add weight to a rhino. We are talking a real man's pau! And he could eat 10 of them in one sitting.
When younger, Jude was a real trouble maker but that's mostly because I lead him into most of it. I remember one time when I was 11 and we were bathing together where we had a cement tub-like water containment which is meant for you to collect water. We filled it up and climbed into it turning it into some indoor private wading pool. It turned the water black and when mom came knocking after several hours of us being in the bath, she was LIVID. She took a rubber hose and whacked the daylights out of us...naked!! Today, that's child abuse. Those days, it was tough love.
Also when he was 8, Jude drank about 3 cans of Guinness from my dad's stash and then slept on the floor. Sound asleep mind you. That was hilarious. The more hilarious thing about Jude was that he tend to sleep walk and he is freaking funny when he does that. We used to have a night light that was karosene fueled and we use to put it in the kitchen table of our low-cost flat then. He will walk up to the light and then carry it around the kitchen like some treasure hunter in a dark cave. Since it is late, all you can see is this floating light in the kitchen. That's how superstition gets started! Also once, he walked over to the laundry basket and peed in it. On all our clothes. I secretly burned mine!
Life for us was tough as we were poor but not in poverty. So we had enough to go by, but not by much. Being the younger sibling, he usually gets away with blue murder and he is the favourite of our parents. That leaves me having to be the responsible one and sometimes that friction gets between us. Another point I thought also contributed to the friction was my bro's sight. One of cornea has a tear and seriously impedes his vision. I guess it also made him irritable since he doesn't know its not supposed to be there. I remember him beating up a kid 2 years older than him and also a gangster girl. I personally thought it was cool of him to do it.
Later when we found out about his condition, he went through a cornea transplant. Poor nut had to go through it 3 times since the first 2 was rejected by the body. They were from a Sri Langkan donor. The 3rd was successful since it was from a US donor. Go figure! Since then, he had more friends and was more popular and he took up drums. He is an excellent drummer and plays by ear. He sings pretty well too and you can sometimes catch his band Soul Income at Finnegan's.
He is now in a relationship with a remarkable lady from Thailand, whom I personally think can't really cook (not to my taste la) but has a heart of pure gold. She looks after him so well that now my bro can be classified as construction equipment in starving nations like Rwanda. That's the short story of my bro who still comes over with his girl and takes my mom out for supper, dinner, movies, trips, etc. He is big, funny and can be a bit wacky. He still loves his food and sleep and one time, he feel asleep in an amusement park listening to a walkman and woke up realizing that there were no more music and that his chest was lighter. That's because someone stole his walkman leaving the earphones there. So he is still clumsy but he ain't heavy, he's my brother......also part time body guard. So u know, I can mean business.
Jude is 5 years younger so when he came about, we weren't really expecting him. He is named after St Jude the patron saint of hopeless cases. 'Nuff said don't you think? He was always large when we were kids and it was always easy to pick him out from his class photo with about 50 classmates as he is always the one that takes up 3spaces. When he as 8, his waist was already 32 and by the time he was 11 he was already 40. So he was huge as a kid and that kinda made him conscious about it.
The reason he was big, was because he loved to eat and my mom loved to see him eat. When he was 8, he could already eat 10 char siew pau in one sitting. We are not talking the wimpy, diet watching, cholestrol controlling type of pau we have now. We are talking pau built to last and pau that had no health restrictions and can be used to add weight to a rhino. We are talking a real man's pau! And he could eat 10 of them in one sitting.
When younger, Jude was a real trouble maker but that's mostly because I lead him into most of it. I remember one time when I was 11 and we were bathing together where we had a cement tub-like water containment which is meant for you to collect water. We filled it up and climbed into it turning it into some indoor private wading pool. It turned the water black and when mom came knocking after several hours of us being in the bath, she was LIVID. She took a rubber hose and whacked the daylights out of us...naked!! Today, that's child abuse. Those days, it was tough love.
Also when he was 8, Jude drank about 3 cans of Guinness from my dad's stash and then slept on the floor. Sound asleep mind you. That was hilarious. The more hilarious thing about Jude was that he tend to sleep walk and he is freaking funny when he does that. We used to have a night light that was karosene fueled and we use to put it in the kitchen table of our low-cost flat then. He will walk up to the light and then carry it around the kitchen like some treasure hunter in a dark cave. Since it is late, all you can see is this floating light in the kitchen. That's how superstition gets started! Also once, he walked over to the laundry basket and peed in it. On all our clothes. I secretly burned mine!
Life for us was tough as we were poor but not in poverty. So we had enough to go by, but not by much. Being the younger sibling, he usually gets away with blue murder and he is the favourite of our parents. That leaves me having to be the responsible one and sometimes that friction gets between us. Another point I thought also contributed to the friction was my bro's sight. One of cornea has a tear and seriously impedes his vision. I guess it also made him irritable since he doesn't know its not supposed to be there. I remember him beating up a kid 2 years older than him and also a gangster girl. I personally thought it was cool of him to do it.
Later when we found out about his condition, he went through a cornea transplant. Poor nut had to go through it 3 times since the first 2 was rejected by the body. They were from a Sri Langkan donor. The 3rd was successful since it was from a US donor. Go figure! Since then, he had more friends and was more popular and he took up drums. He is an excellent drummer and plays by ear. He sings pretty well too and you can sometimes catch his band Soul Income at Finnegan's.
He is now in a relationship with a remarkable lady from Thailand, whom I personally think can't really cook (not to my taste la) but has a heart of pure gold. She looks after him so well that now my bro can be classified as construction equipment in starving nations like Rwanda. That's the short story of my bro who still comes over with his girl and takes my mom out for supper, dinner, movies, trips, etc. He is big, funny and can be a bit wacky. He still loves his food and sleep and one time, he feel asleep in an amusement park listening to a walkman and woke up realizing that there were no more music and that his chest was lighter. That's because someone stole his walkman leaving the earphones there. So he is still clumsy but he ain't heavy, he's my brother......also part time body guard. So u know, I can mean business.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
What's in a name?
You know, i get a lot of questions about my name, like why does it sound "Mat Salleh" and how come if I'm Indian, I don't have a typical Indian name? To these same Einsteins who asked these questions, a typical Indian name is like Arumugam, Ponnudurai, Raju, etc. Which is a very ethnic Tamil name. I never really knew how to explain it until I heard Russell Peters. He is a Canadian born Indian stand up comedian who is just hilarious and he gave this explanation for his "Mat Salleh" sounding name. Since it made SO much sense, that's my explanation now.
For those of you who don't know world history, you should really take your face out of that Wah Lai Toi or E! Channel or MTV or whatever garbage you stuff your brains with and read some books!!! Geez! Why is history important? Because it tells us that the British colonized India for 400 years. You mean to tell me that in that time they didn't "hump" or "biblically knew" one or two of us Indians???
I am pretty sure my ancestry will have some British blood that has been diluted over the centuries. Thank God, cause who the hell wants to speak with a Cockney accent (they don't pronouce T's)!!! But after going through all that explanation and my Welsh spelling of Alvin, I seem to have got it good. The same Einsteins (mostly Chinese folks) who asks me these bafflingly earth shattering questions about my name, seems to have no problems giving their children OR themselves (these folks need to be pushed down a razor blade and use their testicles as brakes) really, really bad names.
Some names sound really nice in Mandarin or Hokkien or any dialect but when translated to romanized alphabets, it sounds really rude or maybe you just hated your kids. For example, I actually have a friend called Tiang Kah Yu (that's wooden pole in Malay). And folks, it just gets worst! I know a good friend called Chee Sin Fatt, which translated from Cantonese means Crazy Fatt (Fart). My Malay friend calls him Kentut Gila. There are people I know called Tai Hai (great meaning in Mandarin) which means Big Vagina in Cantonese and not a polite way. Another called Huck Hai which is Black Vagina. I actually know a very high level successful lady called Ms Tiew (that's f*** in Cantonese) and another call See Cha Boh (means woman in Hokkien and "Squeeze Boobs" in Cantonese). My own family members despite having someone as critical as me was not spared from this, like my poor niece being call Chi Tzi (which is toilet paper in Cantonese).
Now why would you do that to your child? Is he/she the anti-Christ? Even the anti-Christ in Omen had a great name, Damien. I am ok with the occassional nick name like my son is called Michael and it sounds like Mai Kai which means selling chickens. Now if your surname is Tan which can also mean "egg", you don't want your English name to be Michael. Thats common sense people!!
You may think that these thinking is very prevalent only in the older generation but you'd be so wrong. These new age cousins and friends of this generation is not much better. We have a baby girl called Sage. In case you don't know how to say it, just say "Sau" in your head and then say "Sage" out loud. Then there is a boy called Jaysher (I think that's how its spelled), twins called Edna and Edith (both sounding like English spinsters). Remember Edna Mode in "The Incredibles"? Why would you give your kids that kind of image? Don't you watch the movies or TV? Most folks do this because of numerolgy or some mumbo-jumbo like that. Pls people, it doesn't matter how well the stars aligned to your kids name coz if it sounds rude or have meanings involving private parts, your kid will be traumatized in school and grow up to be a homicidal maniac anyway!
Another interesting name, is a very cool friend of mine called Moses. Yep! Named after the dude who parted the Red Sea. One day he calls my house and my dear old dad who has a great sense of humour picks up. The conversation went something like this:-
Moses : "May I speak to Alwyn pls."
My Dad : "Sure. May I know who's calling?"
Moses : "This is Moses."
My Dad : "Moses? Moses? ohhhhkaaaay"
My Dad (call out to me) : "Hey Jesus Christ! Moses wants to talk to you"
I save the best for last and you know I swear I didn't make this up. I was in Hong Kong and these guys have the funniest names, especially the ones they make up. We were in a Microsoft business event and this girl says that her name is. So I said, "Pui Tse?". She gives me her card and it says "Pussy". I said that's "PUSS-SEE" and she says I like the other pronounciation. Then introduces me to her friend who said her name was and her card said (you guessed it) "Vagina"! I said "This says WERE-GY-NUH and it means the same thing as your friend. Are your boyfriends called DICK and PEN-NIS?". Of course the sarcasm was lost on them.
So my next sure fire make money project is to come up with a book that will give you all the nick names and rude variations in the more common languages in Malaysia. If that is too cumbersome, just drop me a mail with all the suggested names and I will send it back with the different variations of rude and funny names. Trust me, if its funny and rude, kids will find it AND use it! I should know, I was one of them kids. So to atone for my sins, this is my service to you. What's more I give you discount if the names you choose are REALLY funny and manage to make me laugh out with water spewing out of my nose!
For those of you who don't know world history, you should really take your face out of that Wah Lai Toi or E! Channel or MTV or whatever garbage you stuff your brains with and read some books!!! Geez! Why is history important? Because it tells us that the British colonized India for 400 years. You mean to tell me that in that time they didn't "hump" or "biblically knew" one or two of us Indians???
I am pretty sure my ancestry will have some British blood that has been diluted over the centuries. Thank God, cause who the hell wants to speak with a Cockney accent (they don't pronouce T's)!!! But after going through all that explanation and my Welsh spelling of Alvin, I seem to have got it good. The same Einsteins (mostly Chinese folks) who asks me these bafflingly earth shattering questions about my name, seems to have no problems giving their children OR themselves (these folks need to be pushed down a razor blade and use their testicles as brakes) really, really bad names.
Some names sound really nice in Mandarin or Hokkien or any dialect but when translated to romanized alphabets, it sounds really rude or maybe you just hated your kids. For example, I actually have a friend called Tiang Kah Yu (that's wooden pole in Malay). And folks, it just gets worst! I know a good friend called Chee Sin Fatt, which translated from Cantonese means Crazy Fatt (Fart). My Malay friend calls him Kentut Gila. There are people I know called Tai Hai (great meaning in Mandarin) which means Big Vagina in Cantonese and not a polite way. Another called Huck Hai which is Black Vagina. I actually know a very high level successful lady called Ms Tiew (that's f*** in Cantonese) and another call See Cha Boh (means woman in Hokkien and "Squeeze Boobs" in Cantonese). My own family members despite having someone as critical as me was not spared from this, like my poor niece being call Chi Tzi (which is toilet paper in Cantonese).
Now why would you do that to your child? Is he/she the anti-Christ? Even the anti-Christ in Omen had a great name, Damien. I am ok with the occassional nick name like my son is called Michael and it sounds like Mai Kai which means selling chickens. Now if your surname is Tan which can also mean "egg", you don't want your English name to be Michael. Thats common sense people!!
You may think that these thinking is very prevalent only in the older generation but you'd be so wrong. These new age cousins and friends of this generation is not much better. We have a baby girl called Sage. In case you don't know how to say it, just say "Sau" in your head and then say "Sage" out loud. Then there is a boy called Jaysher (I think that's how its spelled), twins called Edna and Edith (both sounding like English spinsters). Remember Edna Mode in "The Incredibles"? Why would you give your kids that kind of image? Don't you watch the movies or TV? Most folks do this because of numerolgy or some mumbo-jumbo like that. Pls people, it doesn't matter how well the stars aligned to your kids name coz if it sounds rude or have meanings involving private parts, your kid will be traumatized in school and grow up to be a homicidal maniac anyway!
Another interesting name, is a very cool friend of mine called Moses. Yep! Named after the dude who parted the Red Sea. One day he calls my house and my dear old dad who has a great sense of humour picks up. The conversation went something like this:-
Moses : "May I speak to Alwyn pls."
My Dad : "Sure. May I know who's calling?"
Moses : "This is Moses."
My Dad : "Moses? Moses? ohhhhkaaaay"
My Dad (call out to me) : "Hey Jesus Christ! Moses wants to talk to you"
I save the best for last and you know I swear I didn't make this up. I was in Hong Kong and these guys have the funniest names, especially the ones they make up. We were in a Microsoft business event and this girl says that her name is
So my next sure fire make money project is to come up with a book that will give you all the nick names and rude variations in the more common languages in Malaysia. If that is too cumbersome, just drop me a mail with all the suggested names and I will send it back with the different variations of rude and funny names. Trust me, if its funny and rude, kids will find it AND use it! I should know, I was one of them kids. So to atone for my sins, this is my service to you. What's more I give you discount if the names you choose are REALLY funny and manage to make me laugh out with water spewing out of my nose!
Lights! Camera! Critique!
I cannot live without the TV or movies. This is what my mom promised me. When I was in school, we only had TV very late in my childhood. Even then it was only a black & white TV. My favourite shows were "Combat", "Six Million Dollar Man", "Man from U.N.C.L.E", "Mission Impossible" and "Twilight Zone". We had comedies like "Gilligan's Island", "Happy Days", "Andy Griffith Show" and "Beverly Hillbillies". I can't remember many of the cartoons. There was of course the cheaper versions of Batman&Robin, Superman, etc but there was also Space Ghost, Blue Falcon and Dynomutt (I am NOT making this up) and Bird Man (come on! I have more creativity than this, if I were to make it up).
I would watch TV whenever I could, including taking a dump in a pot in front of the TV. My mom was so exasperated that one day she told me that technology would make the movie experience so much better and when I graduate or started working, I could watch anything I want, upside down, inside out, stark naked, whatever the hell I want. So, I am doing this to catch up for lost time.
We slowly graduated to colour TV and the likes of A-Team, Knight Rider, Misfit of Science and later of MacGyver. My first movie that I went to see was "Star Wars" and then "Battlestar Gallactica" where we had Starbuck (not plural so no coffee was involved) and Apollo battling Cylons (who must be programmed by the world's stupidest programmers). Those of you born after 1979 are missing so much!
The first movie I went to see without my parents was with my cousin Loke Yew when I was 11 (he was 12) and it was "Raiders of the Lost Ark". We took the bus ourselves, knew where to change buses and how far to walk. These days we won't even let our kids cycle down the road without an entourage of security guards worthy of any head of state, while talking into their sleeves, accompanying them. My love for the movies started then and my biggest hero till today is Indiana Jones (not namby pamby pretty boy "Use the Force" Luke Diaperwrapper".
I wanted to share some of my movie opinions with you now and in future articles. In this one, I want to start with Iron Man. I absolutely loved it! Rob Downey Jr was just perfect as the irresponsible playboy Tony Stark (he was a little short though) and I like Gwyneth as well (she and I are on a first name basis...its cool). It was inventive, funny and definitely well thought out. It didn't spend too much time trying to build the character so much that it leaves the actual action little time to pan out. One example was "Superman Returns". His costume was so lame and the "S" symbol was so small!! But back to the Iron Dude!
The introduction of the often misunderstood robotic hand in his lab, lent some humour and character. The bad guy was also delicious but a little predictable and I was hoping the middle eastern doctor would survive but it was a good reason for him to go. Bravo and I can't blinking wait for the sequel!
Our next silver screen adventure takes us to Gotham City where we meet "The Dark Knight". Batman is my favourite super hero of all time. Superman is too wimpy and Spiderman too poor. But Batman is one superhero that will not hesitate to kick your ass AND/OR kill you. Doesn't matter to this dark, rich, sinister hero. Also, he has no super powers and that makes him all the more scary.
In this movie, Batty Boy had to lock horns with the ultimate psycho, The Joker (not Ahmad Ismail) which was so very well played by Heath Ledger. I am sorry but Jack Nicholson's Joker was err...a joke (pardon the pun). The script was very well written and it pitt Joker's dark intentions against that of Batman. Since Batman was the good guy, he had to stand strong to ensure that he doesn't fall into Joker's trap and make the people of Gotham lose faith...or something like that. I was just SO into the bat bike or whatever the hell it was. I just want to know 2 things; where the hell can I buy one of those bikes and does it come with an iPod jack. That's all I need to know. Of course, let's not forget that this is like only my fav batmobile ever.
There was good fun and humour and Christian Bale (by far the best Batman) and Michael Caine were not only cool, they funny and had a lot of chemistry. I was also glad to see a little more of Morgan Freeman and enjoyed the way he kicked that blackmailinng sleazy lawyer into realization of what he is foolishly doing. Let's not forget Gary Oldman. Good show Commissioner! My only problem with this movie, the lead actress. Maggie Gyllenhaal is so NOT a lead! I wasn't a big fan of Katie Holmes but COME ON!!!! Her nose was as flat as mine! At least have the decency to do the Hollywood thing and FIX your FACE!! For all things sacred! This is Bruce Wayne's love interest we are talking about. They should have gotten Ashley Judd! Other than that, it was a fantastic movie with great gadgets. I gotta get me that microphone handphone and sonic glasses.
My final review for this segment, was a good ol' cartoon that was not 3D like the Teenage Mutated Ninja Numbskulls or had anything fancy. Just fun and laughter in an ol' fashion cartoon, fit for the whole family. I am talking about "Kung Fu Panda". Jack Black who to me is a crude, misfit and trying-too-hard kinda slapstick actor, lends his voice talent FANTASTICALLY here. Maybe that's what he should do, stay in the background. Every joke was not only side-splitting, tear-inducing, loud-cackling funny, it was also meant for all in the family. It wasn't too adulty like "Happily Stupid Feet" (penguins don't SING! And if the zoo or circus found a dancing penguin, they will not put a homing device to it so that they could track it home, they will put it on Oprah or any show to make millions. So there!).
The jokes came in droves and it was funny for everyone. I went to see with my families and we all went crazy! Also we got free tickets courtesy of Edwin, new boyfriend of my baby cousin sister but that's another story. In case, you missed that, we got FREE Premiere tickets, Nyeaah, Nyeahh!
The lovabla Panda named Po tells the true story of how us aerodynamic warriors are the true fighters. Those slim, skinny, hard abs idiot are just for show, they can't really fight. So FIGHT ON PO!!!!
That's it for this time. Stay tuned as I bring you the Chindian's view of a Chinese mummy and what a Chindian would do if he went to the Center of the Earth. (Hint; bring beer!).
I would watch TV whenever I could, including taking a dump in a pot in front of the TV. My mom was so exasperated that one day she told me that technology would make the movie experience so much better and when I graduate or started working, I could watch anything I want, upside down, inside out, stark naked, whatever the hell I want. So, I am doing this to catch up for lost time.
We slowly graduated to colour TV and the likes of A-Team, Knight Rider, Misfit of Science and later of MacGyver. My first movie that I went to see was "Star Wars" and then "Battlestar Gallactica" where we had Starbuck (not plural so no coffee was involved) and Apollo battling Cylons (who must be programmed by the world's stupidest programmers). Those of you born after 1979 are missing so much!
The first movie I went to see without my parents was with my cousin Loke Yew when I was 11 (he was 12) and it was "Raiders of the Lost Ark". We took the bus ourselves, knew where to change buses and how far to walk. These days we won't even let our kids cycle down the road without an entourage of security guards worthy of any head of state, while talking into their sleeves, accompanying them. My love for the movies started then and my biggest hero till today is Indiana Jones (not namby pamby pretty boy "Use the Force" Luke Diaperwrapper".
I wanted to share some of my movie opinions with you now and in future articles. In this one, I want to start with Iron Man. I absolutely loved it! Rob Downey Jr was just perfect as the irresponsible playboy Tony Stark (he was a little short though) and I like Gwyneth as well (she and I are on a first name basis...its cool). It was inventive, funny and definitely well thought out. It didn't spend too much time trying to build the character so much that it leaves the actual action little time to pan out. One example was "Superman Returns". His costume was so lame and the "S" symbol was so small!! But back to the Iron Dude!
The introduction of the often misunderstood robotic hand in his lab, lent some humour and character. The bad guy was also delicious but a little predictable and I was hoping the middle eastern doctor would survive but it was a good reason for him to go. Bravo and I can't blinking wait for the sequel!
Our next silver screen adventure takes us to Gotham City where we meet "The Dark Knight". Batman is my favourite super hero of all time. Superman is too wimpy and Spiderman too poor. But Batman is one superhero that will not hesitate to kick your ass AND/OR kill you. Doesn't matter to this dark, rich, sinister hero. Also, he has no super powers and that makes him all the more scary.
In this movie, Batty Boy had to lock horns with the ultimate psycho, The Joker (not Ahmad Ismail) which was so very well played by Heath Ledger. I am sorry but Jack Nicholson's Joker was err...a joke (pardon the pun). The script was very well written and it pitt Joker's dark intentions against that of Batman. Since Batman was the good guy, he had to stand strong to ensure that he doesn't fall into Joker's trap and make the people of Gotham lose faith...or something like that. I was just SO into the bat bike or whatever the hell it was. I just want to know 2 things; where the hell can I buy one of those bikes and does it come with an iPod jack. That's all I need to know. Of course, let's not forget that this is like only my fav batmobile ever.
There was good fun and humour and Christian Bale (by far the best Batman) and Michael Caine were not only cool, they funny and had a lot of chemistry. I was also glad to see a little more of Morgan Freeman and enjoyed the way he kicked that blackmailinng sleazy lawyer into realization of what he is foolishly doing. Let's not forget Gary Oldman. Good show Commissioner! My only problem with this movie, the lead actress. Maggie Gyllenhaal is so NOT a lead! I wasn't a big fan of Katie Holmes but COME ON!!!! Her nose was as flat as mine! At least have the decency to do the Hollywood thing and FIX your FACE!! For all things sacred! This is Bruce Wayne's love interest we are talking about. They should have gotten Ashley Judd! Other than that, it was a fantastic movie with great gadgets. I gotta get me that microphone handphone and sonic glasses.
My final review for this segment, was a good ol' cartoon that was not 3D like the Teenage Mutated Ninja Numbskulls or had anything fancy. Just fun and laughter in an ol' fashion cartoon, fit for the whole family. I am talking about "Kung Fu Panda". Jack Black who to me is a crude, misfit and trying-too-hard kinda slapstick actor, lends his voice talent FANTASTICALLY here. Maybe that's what he should do, stay in the background. Every joke was not only side-splitting, tear-inducing, loud-cackling funny, it was also meant for all in the family. It wasn't too adulty like "Happily Stupid Feet" (penguins don't SING! And if the zoo or circus found a dancing penguin, they will not put a homing device to it so that they could track it home, they will put it on Oprah or any show to make millions. So there!).
The jokes came in droves and it was funny for everyone. I went to see with my families and we all went crazy! Also we got free tickets courtesy of Edwin, new boyfriend of my baby cousin sister but that's another story. In case, you missed that, we got FREE Premiere tickets, Nyeaah, Nyeahh!
The lovabla Panda named Po tells the true story of how us aerodynamic warriors are the true fighters. Those slim, skinny, hard abs idiot are just for show, they can't really fight. So FIGHT ON PO!!!!
That's it for this time. Stay tuned as I bring you the Chindian's view of a Chinese mummy and what a Chindian would do if he went to the Center of the Earth. (Hint; bring beer!).
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Second callings after Microsoft
I thought I will spend one artical talking about my formative years in Microsoft as I had the immense pleasure of spending more than half of my career there, about 9 years. It was one of the best experiences I could ever ask for. When I joined in 1996, there were only about 30 of us. Now there are more than 200 not counting the interns and contract folks. There were many cool stuff that MS offered and provided me but the most enjoyable was the encouragement to face our fears and stand on stage. At that time, due to resource constraints, we were needed to present on stage, demo or even be media savvy at a drop of the hat.
Microsoft made us all presenters, DJs, talk show hosts, used car sales persons, emcees and Demo God n Godesses. If we left MS, any of these could have been our second calling.
In my many years in MS, I was able to experience different roles but nothing was more enjoyable then my first role in MS. We were part of the unit called End User Customer Unit (EUCU) which focused on desktop applications and retail experience. Of course our biggest money earner was MS Office 95. My first title was MOLP Manager (you'd think that with all their creativity, they could think of a heck of a lot better name) which stood for Microsoft Open License Program. That title lasted for 6 hours as it took that long to whine, beg and threaten my manager to change it to something else. Our unit not only looked after MS Office but also games like Monster Trucks and Mech Warrior and my team mate had the coolest job of demoing games and assessing retail space. Of course we took turns demoing those games. Alex and I usually won. We will take our show on the road almost every quarter as we travel to Penang, JB, Kuching and KK. We met business partners who were very friendly towards us and took us everywhere and I mean everywhere. We were actually taken to a super seedy pub called "Papaya Farm" and they were not serving fruits. I leave it to your imagination.
The most amazing was how we all took to the stage and become better than average presenters. That is no mean feat because an average person's number one fear is speaking in public and no 2 is death. That means at a funeral, an average person would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. We had many memorable moments and my first major event was launching Office 97 at the Renaissance to about 800 people. Office 2000 was launched at PWTC to 2000 people!!! We had different pairs of MS folks going up on mechanized platform behind the backdrop to demo different business scenarios. I remember going up with a Chindian brother Patrick and hoping he didnt make sudden moves and get us both tumbling from the 3x3 feet platform in front of 2000 people. We put a lot of first timers on stage and it was kinda hilarious to see them making a fool of themselves (or so they thought). These launches are really addictive to the point that I even missed my flight to Seattle during the Windows 98 launch.
There was ground breaking and trend setting launch of Windows XP where we book the location in front of Star Hill, had Deanna Yusuf sing for us and had pretty dancers lead pedestrians to do the Para-Para. It was rumoured that we had a bomoh hold the rain off for 6 hours. When the drizzle finally came, we still had people dancing and buying off our booths. It was also the first time I auditioned "talent" to peddle our product for the midnight sale. Yep we had a midnight sale on the night before where my very good friend KT was going around literally shouting into people's faces in his New York accent to take advantage of the low price at midnight on Bukit Bintang. Now THAT'S entertainment.
Fast forward to the launch of Windows Server 2003, we got a whole bunch of us and put on a skit for the launch where we depicted a life of a IT Manager with and without Windows Server 2003. The skit included me as a gravity-defying teh-tarik-making mamak, Alex and the big fat boss (didn't need to put too much costume there) my Chindian brothers Joseph as the Virus and Patrick as the IT Manager (lead role la). You had to see it to enjoy it. For the first time we had a boom stick to catch it all on tape. (Boom stick is there they put a camera at the end of a moving gantry gate-like stick so that you can capture the movie on high angles). It was played out to almost 3000 people.
I am very glad and it was heart warming that after some years away from MS, I still have folks coming up to me and mentioning how enjoyable it was. Some colleagues and I also had the good fortune to be media trained (so we know how to talk to press la) and we made videos and even appeared on TV. I will share more of our event - behind the scenes later. Right now, I gotta debug my Windows Vista...geez!!!
Microsoft made us all presenters, DJs, talk show hosts, used car sales persons, emcees and Demo God n Godesses. If we left MS, any of these could have been our second calling.
In my many years in MS, I was able to experience different roles but nothing was more enjoyable then my first role in MS. We were part of the unit called End User Customer Unit (EUCU) which focused on desktop applications and retail experience. Of course our biggest money earner was MS Office 95. My first title was MOLP Manager (you'd think that with all their creativity, they could think of a heck of a lot better name) which stood for Microsoft Open License Program. That title lasted for 6 hours as it took that long to whine, beg and threaten my manager to change it to something else. Our unit not only looked after MS Office but also games like Monster Trucks and Mech Warrior and my team mate had the coolest job of demoing games and assessing retail space. Of course we took turns demoing those games. Alex and I usually won. We will take our show on the road almost every quarter as we travel to Penang, JB, Kuching and KK. We met business partners who were very friendly towards us and took us everywhere and I mean everywhere. We were actually taken to a super seedy pub called "Papaya Farm" and they were not serving fruits. I leave it to your imagination.
The most amazing was how we all took to the stage and become better than average presenters. That is no mean feat because an average person's number one fear is speaking in public and no 2 is death. That means at a funeral, an average person would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. We had many memorable moments and my first major event was launching Office 97 at the Renaissance to about 800 people. Office 2000 was launched at PWTC to 2000 people!!! We had different pairs of MS folks going up on mechanized platform behind the backdrop to demo different business scenarios. I remember going up with a Chindian brother Patrick and hoping he didnt make sudden moves and get us both tumbling from the 3x3 feet platform in front of 2000 people. We put a lot of first timers on stage and it was kinda hilarious to see them making a fool of themselves (or so they thought). These launches are really addictive to the point that I even missed my flight to Seattle during the Windows 98 launch.
There was ground breaking and trend setting launch of Windows XP where we book the location in front of Star Hill, had Deanna Yusuf sing for us and had pretty dancers lead pedestrians to do the Para-Para. It was rumoured that we had a bomoh hold the rain off for 6 hours. When the drizzle finally came, we still had people dancing and buying off our booths. It was also the first time I auditioned "talent" to peddle our product for the midnight sale. Yep we had a midnight sale on the night before where my very good friend KT was going around literally shouting into people's faces in his New York accent to take advantage of the low price at midnight on Bukit Bintang. Now THAT'S entertainment.
Fast forward to the launch of Windows Server 2003, we got a whole bunch of us and put on a skit for the launch where we depicted a life of a IT Manager with and without Windows Server 2003. The skit included me as a gravity-defying teh-tarik-making mamak, Alex and the big fat boss (didn't need to put too much costume there) my Chindian brothers Joseph as the Virus and Patrick as the IT Manager (lead role la). You had to see it to enjoy it. For the first time we had a boom stick to catch it all on tape. (Boom stick is there they put a camera at the end of a moving gantry gate-like stick so that you can capture the movie on high angles). It was played out to almost 3000 people.
I am very glad and it was heart warming that after some years away from MS, I still have folks coming up to me and mentioning how enjoyable it was. Some colleagues and I also had the good fortune to be media trained (so we know how to talk to press la) and we made videos and even appeared on TV. I will share more of our event - behind the scenes later. Right now, I gotta debug my Windows Vista...geez!!!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Some updates
I have included some photo from my Sg Ruan trip that was posted in April 2008 under the blog titles "We need to climb trees". Do check it out.
Also, if you are going to post comments, pls put your name. Some of you ask questions and I am not sure if you want them answered or it was rhetoric. I will do what I can. Enjoy!
Also, if you are going to post comments, pls put your name. Some of you ask questions and I am not sure if you want them answered or it was rhetoric. I will do what I can. Enjoy!
Malaysia's New Hope
It was a very difficult week for us Malaysians. It is always difficult when you find out that your leaders are total morons. It's even more depressing to know that I am one of the responsible ones who put them there in the first place. So what can we do? I sometimes wish we were like France where we have strong unions that can launch massive strikes and paralyse the city everytime these goobers make a wrong move. But its good and bad. So I am proposing a new movement. A movement that will immediately unite 2 major races in Malaysia and it will bring us closer to race-free Malaysia.
I am talking about the MAlaysian CHindian Association, call sign MACHA! I am not crazy about A standing for Association for it will do for now. If you have a better replacement for A, pls let me know.
Anyway as mentioned, this race is a new up and coming race that our BN government has totally ignored. We already have a World No 1 squash person and I tell you we have more out there, just lying low, waiting for the right moment to rise and unite our country.
As Chindian's we are already 2 of the major races and with us looking like Malays, we can bring some of the progressive thinking ones over to chart a new course for Malaysia. Here will be some of the manifestos:-
1) There will be no more jokes about Indians being drunkards and Chinese can't drink.
2) For pubs who want to open until late at night, they will need to prepare a place for drunks to sleep it off, called cool off rooms - at a fee of course.
3) If there are drunks and they are rowdy, anyone is allowed to clobber them and leave them at the "cool off" room.
4) Prostituition will be legal and all prostitutes will have to register so that we can tax their income. Pimps will need to form companies and issue EA forms.
5) Drugs will be made legal and can be sold over the counter. But they must to be put into child-proof bottles or ketchup packets. (Let's see you high crack heads try to get to it now)
6) It will be mandatory for Chinese restaurants to explain the whole menu to Indian patrons and Indian patrons will need to order other food from fried rice, sweet sour pork or egg fu yong.
7) There will be Chindian restaurants that serves curry and herbal soup in the same set meal. Chinese will be taught to use their hands and Indians will be taught to use chopsticks!
8) Indian restaurants will also be forced to re-invent their menu. Try something else other than curries for goodness sake!!
9) All major race holidays will be 3 days affair and fireworks will be mandatory.
10) Police force will need to learn how to sing and dance. All senior police officers will have an entrance song. Deng-deng-DEEEENNNNGGG.
11) Sales people who are rude to you can be slapped and thrown down escalators by patrons.
12) Patrons who are rude to sales people can be hung by their thumbs and flogged.
13) Sales people who don't know their products but don't take the trouble to find out will be asked to wear humiliating costumes around shopping malls and allow children to kick them in the crotch.
14) Motorist are allowed to throw used spark plugs at motorist who cut queue.
15) There will be no monopoly of any industry like Telekom Malaysia or Puspakom, etc.
16) Internet broadband will be as advertised - fast, available and cheap
17) Latest gadgets being brought in will be tax exempted
18) Screw the tax on cars and bring in more foreign brands. If Proton can't compete, tough to those shit heads!
19) Public transport drivers will be courteous and on time. GPS will be attached to buses to ensure that they don't goof off.
20) Teachers are allowed to cane parents who complain too much and parents can colour teachers' faces with any make up if the teachers are deemed biased, unfair or indifferent to their students behaviours.
21) ALL university students will need to learn to speak proper English, Mandarin and Malay. That goes for all teachers as well.
I can go on and on and I will complete my manifesto so that you will see that we are serious. So stay tuned for more info. At the moment, I am going to get drunk.
I am talking about the MAlaysian CHindian Association, call sign MACHA! I am not crazy about A standing for Association for it will do for now. If you have a better replacement for A, pls let me know.
Anyway as mentioned, this race is a new up and coming race that our BN government has totally ignored. We already have a World No 1 squash person and I tell you we have more out there, just lying low, waiting for the right moment to rise and unite our country.
As Chindian's we are already 2 of the major races and with us looking like Malays, we can bring some of the progressive thinking ones over to chart a new course for Malaysia. Here will be some of the manifestos:-
1) There will be no more jokes about Indians being drunkards and Chinese can't drink.
2) For pubs who want to open until late at night, they will need to prepare a place for drunks to sleep it off, called cool off rooms - at a fee of course.
3) If there are drunks and they are rowdy, anyone is allowed to clobber them and leave them at the "cool off" room.
4) Prostituition will be legal and all prostitutes will have to register so that we can tax their income. Pimps will need to form companies and issue EA forms.
5) Drugs will be made legal and can be sold over the counter. But they must to be put into child-proof bottles or ketchup packets. (Let's see you high crack heads try to get to it now)
6) It will be mandatory for Chinese restaurants to explain the whole menu to Indian patrons and Indian patrons will need to order other food from fried rice, sweet sour pork or egg fu yong.
7) There will be Chindian restaurants that serves curry and herbal soup in the same set meal. Chinese will be taught to use their hands and Indians will be taught to use chopsticks!
8) Indian restaurants will also be forced to re-invent their menu. Try something else other than curries for goodness sake!!
9) All major race holidays will be 3 days affair and fireworks will be mandatory.
10) Police force will need to learn how to sing and dance. All senior police officers will have an entrance song. Deng-deng-DEEEENNNNGGG.
11) Sales people who are rude to you can be slapped and thrown down escalators by patrons.
12) Patrons who are rude to sales people can be hung by their thumbs and flogged.
13) Sales people who don't know their products but don't take the trouble to find out will be asked to wear humiliating costumes around shopping malls and allow children to kick them in the crotch.
14) Motorist are allowed to throw used spark plugs at motorist who cut queue.
15) There will be no monopoly of any industry like Telekom Malaysia or Puspakom, etc.
16) Internet broadband will be as advertised - fast, available and cheap
17) Latest gadgets being brought in will be tax exempted
18) Screw the tax on cars and bring in more foreign brands. If Proton can't compete, tough to those shit heads!
19) Public transport drivers will be courteous and on time. GPS will be attached to buses to ensure that they don't goof off.
20) Teachers are allowed to cane parents who complain too much and parents can colour teachers' faces with any make up if the teachers are deemed biased, unfair or indifferent to their students behaviours.
21) ALL university students will need to learn to speak proper English, Mandarin and Malay. That goes for all teachers as well.
I can go on and on and I will complete my manifesto so that you will see that we are serious. So stay tuned for more info. At the moment, I am going to get drunk.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Guy Problems - Part 2
I talked about Guy problems some time back. Notice I say guys, not men. Men is a word that is taken too seriously and people tend think that men are usually involved in serious issues like global warming or running a government but it usually just means having a set of really unreliable sexual organs. Ask any guy you know and they will tell you that there were times they woke up in the morning and their "little brother" would already be awake 5minutes earlier looking at you going "Good Morning!!" or in class during our puberty years and suddenly "little brother" just wakes up going "What's going around here?". And the teacher will call you to the board at that particular time. So we guys do have serious problems to content with.
I am writing this so that we (when I say we, i mean genders other than the male ones) can be more understanding towards our guy population and be more tolerant towards them so that we can all live in peace. One of the critical areas that we guys have problems with are the "STANDARDS". You see, we guys didn't come up with the standards. What I mean by standards are the way the human civilization has decided what is wrong, frowned upon and acceptable. Let me give you some examples of what is wrong.
1) Blowing your nose on dirty clothes - they are going to be washed anyway
2) Peeing in the shower - Pee will "bounce" on the wall and can't be washed away cleanly, so cannot
3) Making the bed - It will be messy later at night. What's the point?
4) Can't stack up used pizza boxes to make furniture - they r cheap n tasteful
5) Can't leave the toilet seat down - why can't you work it yourself
6) Need to understand subtle hints - what are we, mind readers???
7) We need to be mind readers (continue) - if we see something is wrong and we ask and you say "nothing", we are going to treat it as nothing
8) Can't look at exposed breast - That's why God made them. He can make milk come out of your belly button. You don't really need breast for that.
9) Answering "yes" or "no" to the question "Do I look good in this?" is wrong - then why ask????
10) Anything said anytime since the dawn of civilization is admissable to any future arguments - Our brains are meant for more important things like remembering sports scores
11) All men must be mechanically efficient - do you think we have some kind of genes that we are born with?
12) We cannot answer "yes" and "no" to questions as they need lengthy, explanatory answers - pls we are not expressive beings
13) Can't scratch our privates in public - our privates react differently from your. If you don't have it, u can't comment.
14) Our level of cleanliness - women need to scrub dirt on a microb level until they hear bacteria screaming. We just need to spray Ridsect around the walls and its clean.
15) My favourite. Men are so inept in bed. We climax too fast, we don't know how to indulge in foreplay and we only know so few positions.
These are just some of the THOUSANDS of rules and standards that women have come up with. We have rules on domestic lives involving things that are alien to us like bedspreads, curtains, butter dishes, tiny guest soaps, soaps shaped like fruits or animals, appetizers, different fork usages, washing hands after every activity, hand towels, table cloth, floral arrangements, gardens with flowers, tissues papers, decorative boxes to hold tissue papers (they already come in perfectly good boxes for goodness sake!), coasters, room freshener, taking baths 12 times a day, clothes folded in a certain way, washing the cup after using.
There are also some standards on sensitivity like remembering birthdays and anniversaries (many wars fought and many poeple died over this), listening during conversations, needing to have the right answers to every problem, agreeing with everything you say, no farting loud on purpose, no going away for a few months without at least leaving a 20 page thesis on why, no picking our noses at the traffic light and needing to stop for restroom breaks for long trips. To name a few.
Unfortunately we guys were probably hunting the wooly mammoth when the standards were drawn up by women in their caves. I mean did anyone asks our opinions? Who is to say we climax too fast instead of women taking too bloody long to get there??? It is not our fault we do that? We are just made that way! It's not like we have a switch that we can turn. The standards are way to absurd and incompatible with our biological makeup.
In prehistoric times, when the mortality rate was low and there were dinosaurs and no healthcare and McDonald's drive thru was still a dream, the human race was not the dominant species!! We had to pro-created pretty fast. There was no time to cuddle or kiss or lick. We had to get in there, pro-create, move on to other females and then defend our family from the sabre tooth tiger. It was for the survival of the species. Don't thank us, just doing our jobs.
So you see, we guys are terribly misunderstood primarily because of some other genders making up standards without consulting us and taking our biological make up into consideration. I don't even want to get started on laundry (dry clean only, warm water only, soft detergent, whites only, water at 25.5 degrees only, etc). We guys have been stumbling, struggling and chastised because of this for millions of years and I think it is time we take back these standards and make some of our own. I will let you know what they are once I finished scratching my privates....
I am writing this so that we (when I say we, i mean genders other than the male ones) can be more understanding towards our guy population and be more tolerant towards them so that we can all live in peace. One of the critical areas that we guys have problems with are the "STANDARDS". You see, we guys didn't come up with the standards. What I mean by standards are the way the human civilization has decided what is wrong, frowned upon and acceptable. Let me give you some examples of what is wrong.
1) Blowing your nose on dirty clothes - they are going to be washed anyway
2) Peeing in the shower - Pee will "bounce" on the wall and can't be washed away cleanly, so cannot
3) Making the bed - It will be messy later at night. What's the point?
4) Can't stack up used pizza boxes to make furniture - they r cheap n tasteful
5) Can't leave the toilet seat down - why can't you work it yourself
6) Need to understand subtle hints - what are we, mind readers???
7) We need to be mind readers (continue) - if we see something is wrong and we ask and you say "nothing", we are going to treat it as nothing
8) Can't look at exposed breast - That's why God made them. He can make milk come out of your belly button. You don't really need breast for that.
9) Answering "yes" or "no" to the question "Do I look good in this?" is wrong - then why ask????
10) Anything said anytime since the dawn of civilization is admissable to any future arguments - Our brains are meant for more important things like remembering sports scores
11) All men must be mechanically efficient - do you think we have some kind of genes that we are born with?
12) We cannot answer "yes" and "no" to questions as they need lengthy, explanatory answers - pls we are not expressive beings
13) Can't scratch our privates in public - our privates react differently from your. If you don't have it, u can't comment.
14) Our level of cleanliness - women need to scrub dirt on a microb level until they hear bacteria screaming. We just need to spray Ridsect around the walls and its clean.
15) My favourite. Men are so inept in bed. We climax too fast, we don't know how to indulge in foreplay and we only know so few positions.
These are just some of the THOUSANDS of rules and standards that women have come up with. We have rules on domestic lives involving things that are alien to us like bedspreads, curtains, butter dishes, tiny guest soaps, soaps shaped like fruits or animals, appetizers, different fork usages, washing hands after every activity, hand towels, table cloth, floral arrangements, gardens with flowers, tissues papers, decorative boxes to hold tissue papers (they already come in perfectly good boxes for goodness sake!), coasters, room freshener, taking baths 12 times a day, clothes folded in a certain way, washing the cup after using.
There are also some standards on sensitivity like remembering birthdays and anniversaries (many wars fought and many poeple died over this), listening during conversations, needing to have the right answers to every problem, agreeing with everything you say, no farting loud on purpose, no going away for a few months without at least leaving a 20 page thesis on why, no picking our noses at the traffic light and needing to stop for restroom breaks for long trips. To name a few.
Unfortunately we guys were probably hunting the wooly mammoth when the standards were drawn up by women in their caves. I mean did anyone asks our opinions? Who is to say we climax too fast instead of women taking too bloody long to get there??? It is not our fault we do that? We are just made that way! It's not like we have a switch that we can turn. The standards are way to absurd and incompatible with our biological makeup.
In prehistoric times, when the mortality rate was low and there were dinosaurs and no healthcare and McDonald's drive thru was still a dream, the human race was not the dominant species!! We had to pro-created pretty fast. There was no time to cuddle or kiss or lick. We had to get in there, pro-create, move on to other females and then defend our family from the sabre tooth tiger. It was for the survival of the species. Don't thank us, just doing our jobs.
So you see, we guys are terribly misunderstood primarily because of some other genders making up standards without consulting us and taking our biological make up into consideration. I don't even want to get started on laundry (dry clean only, warm water only, soft detergent, whites only, water at 25.5 degrees only, etc). We guys have been stumbling, struggling and chastised because of this for millions of years and I think it is time we take back these standards and make some of our own. I will let you know what they are once I finished scratching my privates....
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The world of Hong and Kong
Ok, so the title doesn't make sense but I thought it would grab your attention. Also its late and I am running out of ideas. I had the very good fortune of going to Hong Kong a few times and all of them save once, was on company expense. Microsoft sent me to Hong Kong twice, once for training and another for some planning session. SAP then sent me there for our annual conference and I was there on a personal capacity once. I have to say that I can't help but love Hong Kong.
When I came to Hong Kong pre-Disneyland, there was A LOT of attention on me for the obvious reasons. Funny looking guy, not sure where he is from...Philippines, Mexico, Middle East, India, who knows?? But can he speak Cantonese!!! What intonation and annunciation!! They cut you a lot of slack if you are a non-Chinese trying to speak their language! Microsoft put us up at Marco Polo where our rooms opened up to the Harbour and Star Cruise berth. The view was gorgeous! Next up was the Mandarin Oriental. Its the hotel where Leslie Cheung jumped to his death. Finally, the The Harbour View Equatorial.
What surprises me is the the taxi drivers in HK don't know the hotel names in English. The moment we check in, we are given a card with the Chinese names of our hotels. So Euqatorial Harbour View was Hong Kong Man Lai Hoi Keng Chau Tim. All together now....Accommodation is super expensive in Hong Kong and so is eating out. A bowl of wanton noodle can set you back about RM8 in a street shop.
My wife loves Stanley Market which is in Repulse Bay. The journey there is really beautiful and the place is very pleasant. It looks like the Riviera or Monte Carlo with its coffee shops by the streets. There is a market there though mostly for tourist so it is pricier than Mongkok which is like Petaling Street but it is not as busy and people can be nice. I normally get a good deal here once I start on my Cantonese.
The food is just great. I have not had bad food in HK. Partly due to the fact that my cousin (whom we stayed with) takes us to all the cool places and also because food is just good here.
I observed some really interesting traits in Hong Kong folks. The public transport is first rate but people seem to be always in a great hurry to get somewhere. You can walk your normal KL pace here as you will be swept away by a sea of people. Also folks tend to be spoilt by govt signboards and workers. Few examples, I saw a sign at the restroom urinal. "Automatic, no hands needed". Just in case you didn't know what automatic meant. Also you will see signs ON the road saying "Look Right", just in case you didn't know where the cars were coming from. There was an ad on TV teaching everyone to set their air-cond to 25.5 degrees in the winter to converse energy and that being the optimal temperature. Little things like dat.
Two things I can't get used to in HK, the size of the condos and the constant queing for food. I once queued just to take a number for the next queue. The condos were so small, I could hardly fit into the shower which has those transparent partitions. We stayed at my cousin's place once and my feet was sticking out of the bed and froze. In the morning, my toes were literally on strike and refused to move. But the folks are very hardworking when it comes to cleanliness. I actually saw a worker wipe down an entire lift, top to bottom after he took out the garbage in it. Also they are taught to stand on the right if they are not moving up the escalator which my kids followed by hard and chastised me whenever I renegaded from it.
Now with Disneyland, there are more Filipinos and I am perceived to be one of them. The novelty has worn off. I really enjoyed HK and its cosmopolitan styles. People just know how to utilize every inch of space and utlize it tastefully. So to all dis sum, char siew, siew york and tong sui lovers out there, you have got to make a trip to HK. If you need a bargain, you can always call on the Cantonese speaking Filipino.
When I came to Hong Kong pre-Disneyland, there was A LOT of attention on me for the obvious reasons. Funny looking guy, not sure where he is from...Philippines, Mexico, Middle East, India, who knows?? But can he speak Cantonese!!! What intonation and annunciation!! They cut you a lot of slack if you are a non-Chinese trying to speak their language! Microsoft put us up at Marco Polo where our rooms opened up to the Harbour and Star Cruise berth. The view was gorgeous! Next up was the Mandarin Oriental. Its the hotel where Leslie Cheung jumped to his death. Finally, the The Harbour View Equatorial.
What surprises me is the the taxi drivers in HK don't know the hotel names in English. The moment we check in, we are given a card with the Chinese names of our hotels. So Euqatorial Harbour View was Hong Kong Man Lai Hoi Keng Chau Tim. All together now....Accommodation is super expensive in Hong Kong and so is eating out. A bowl of wanton noodle can set you back about RM8 in a street shop.
My wife loves Stanley Market which is in Repulse Bay. The journey there is really beautiful and the place is very pleasant. It looks like the Riviera or Monte Carlo with its coffee shops by the streets. There is a market there though mostly for tourist so it is pricier than Mongkok which is like Petaling Street but it is not as busy and people can be nice. I normally get a good deal here once I start on my Cantonese.
The food is just great. I have not had bad food in HK. Partly due to the fact that my cousin (whom we stayed with) takes us to all the cool places and also because food is just good here.
I observed some really interesting traits in Hong Kong folks. The public transport is first rate but people seem to be always in a great hurry to get somewhere. You can walk your normal KL pace here as you will be swept away by a sea of people. Also folks tend to be spoilt by govt signboards and workers. Few examples, I saw a sign at the restroom urinal. "Automatic, no hands needed". Just in case you didn't know what automatic meant. Also you will see signs ON the road saying "Look Right", just in case you didn't know where the cars were coming from. There was an ad on TV teaching everyone to set their air-cond to 25.5 degrees in the winter to converse energy and that being the optimal temperature. Little things like dat.
Two things I can't get used to in HK, the size of the condos and the constant queing for food. I once queued just to take a number for the next queue. The condos were so small, I could hardly fit into the shower which has those transparent partitions. We stayed at my cousin's place once and my feet was sticking out of the bed and froze. In the morning, my toes were literally on strike and refused to move. But the folks are very hardworking when it comes to cleanliness. I actually saw a worker wipe down an entire lift, top to bottom after he took out the garbage in it. Also they are taught to stand on the right if they are not moving up the escalator which my kids followed by hard and chastised me whenever I renegaded from it.
Now with Disneyland, there are more Filipinos and I am perceived to be one of them. The novelty has worn off. I really enjoyed HK and its cosmopolitan styles. People just know how to utilize every inch of space and utlize it tastefully. So to all dis sum, char siew, siew york and tong sui lovers out there, you have got to make a trip to HK. If you need a bargain, you can always call on the Cantonese speaking Filipino.
Special rights or Citizenship? Are they same?
I am sure you, the general public would be aware of the latest twist in the Malaysian circus that is our political scene. Reports were made that an UMNO leader made racist and seditious remarks about Chinese being squatters in Malaysia and were granted citizenship in return for not questioning the special rights of Malays. He then later said that this was in context during the pre-independant years. Another statement made was that if the Chinese were to question special Malay rights, then he can question Chinese citizenship.
Are they the same context???? I am very confused. What has citizenship got to do with Malay rights? Don't we deserve the same rights as Malays as we have been here for more than 3 generations? Even if we just landed yesterday, don't being a citizen means we will work and contribute to the country?
I am not sure if what happened in 1957 is rightly debated in today's context. If this UMNO leader wants to talk about history, where do we stop looking back at? The 1900's, 1800's, 1400's??? There would be too many context to be drawn from. The Malays as a race came from the many islands which make up Indonesia today, Sulawesi, Sumatra and Riau. So they does that mean we have to combine with Indonesia to be a part of them again? So what special rights are we talking about? If these special rights are so important to the Malays, why after 50 years are there still so many hardcore poor, drug addicts, petty thieves and low end workers that are predominantly Malays? How is it that only an elite group of Malays, like our UMNO leader, are the ones getting rich? So are the special rights only for them to abuse? What has he as an UMNO leader done to help the poor Malays or even the poor Malaysians? Why does this leader only want to talk about one race? What kind of an idiotic leader is that???
This UMNO leader also said that Malay leaders shouldn't be too nice and follow others until the feeling and sentiments of Malays are hurt. So does that mean he can hurt the feelings and sentiments of others? Why was he even talking about the citizenship and so called "squatting" of the Chinese anyway? What is he trying to achieve? I am so disappointed that after 50 years of independance and growing up as a country in a modern world where we have the opportunity to learn from other countries who have gained independance earlier, there are still amoeba brain idiots who are bringing up race politics and issues. Squatting my ass!!!
What is even more disappointing is that it is happening now, when UMNO and BN are losing power and losing its standing as a Malaysian party. Countries have to evolve to protect and ensure the prosperity of its people, regardless of race and creed. Just because we are non-Malays, does it mean we work less and have less pride in our country? Do we not work just as hard if not harder and do we not share the same pride? The press conference he later held just went on to cement what a racist (depsite him and the other so-called leaders) he is and they are. I do feel sorry for our PM as I feel he is generally a good guy and is trying but he has idiots and imbeciles for his grass root.
What this brainless, waste of skin doesn't realize is his brand of Malays are not Arabs. Arabs have oil money and they are hard working whereas there are Malays who are lazy, incompetent, backward and just waiting for Govt handout. These are the Malays who agree to this leader's comment. If the Chinese left, who is going to purchase the taxi licenses, bumi houses and shop lots and give you ready cash (which they will waste and then ask for some more licenses)? The Malays would actually have the work. That was what Tun Mahathir was saying about the Malays and how backward they were. The other sad part is that there are so many Malays who do NOT resort to racial slurs and who work hard to make a living. But in comes this Einstein and take all away from them.
The strategy of blasting everyone so that he looks right just goes to show how arrogant this oxygen thief is. If the Hindraf folks are held under ISA, shouldn't this piece of shit be as well? And after all that, the Govt is asking why we have a brain drain. I can tell you of so many genius Malaysians who have left for SG and other greener pastures. No wonder we are left with scum food like these guys. I actually feel sorry for him and his family, who will have no sense of sensitivity and good manners.
Anyway, I thought it was a great way to celebrate our independance and Malaysia Day on Sept 16 as this totally reflects what we have been saying about the state of our country. Happy Birthday Malaysia or should I say Tanah Melayu?
Are they the same context???? I am very confused. What has citizenship got to do with Malay rights? Don't we deserve the same rights as Malays as we have been here for more than 3 generations? Even if we just landed yesterday, don't being a citizen means we will work and contribute to the country?
I am not sure if what happened in 1957 is rightly debated in today's context. If this UMNO leader wants to talk about history, where do we stop looking back at? The 1900's, 1800's, 1400's??? There would be too many context to be drawn from. The Malays as a race came from the many islands which make up Indonesia today, Sulawesi, Sumatra and Riau. So they does that mean we have to combine with Indonesia to be a part of them again? So what special rights are we talking about? If these special rights are so important to the Malays, why after 50 years are there still so many hardcore poor, drug addicts, petty thieves and low end workers that are predominantly Malays? How is it that only an elite group of Malays, like our UMNO leader, are the ones getting rich? So are the special rights only for them to abuse? What has he as an UMNO leader done to help the poor Malays or even the poor Malaysians? Why does this leader only want to talk about one race? What kind of an idiotic leader is that???
This UMNO leader also said that Malay leaders shouldn't be too nice and follow others until the feeling and sentiments of Malays are hurt. So does that mean he can hurt the feelings and sentiments of others? Why was he even talking about the citizenship and so called "squatting" of the Chinese anyway? What is he trying to achieve? I am so disappointed that after 50 years of independance and growing up as a country in a modern world where we have the opportunity to learn from other countries who have gained independance earlier, there are still amoeba brain idiots who are bringing up race politics and issues. Squatting my ass!!!
What is even more disappointing is that it is happening now, when UMNO and BN are losing power and losing its standing as a Malaysian party. Countries have to evolve to protect and ensure the prosperity of its people, regardless of race and creed. Just because we are non-Malays, does it mean we work less and have less pride in our country? Do we not work just as hard if not harder and do we not share the same pride? The press conference he later held just went on to cement what a racist (depsite him and the other so-called leaders) he is and they are. I do feel sorry for our PM as I feel he is generally a good guy and is trying but he has idiots and imbeciles for his grass root.
What this brainless, waste of skin doesn't realize is his brand of Malays are not Arabs. Arabs have oil money and they are hard working whereas there are Malays who are lazy, incompetent, backward and just waiting for Govt handout. These are the Malays who agree to this leader's comment. If the Chinese left, who is going to purchase the taxi licenses, bumi houses and shop lots and give you ready cash (which they will waste and then ask for some more licenses)? The Malays would actually have the work. That was what Tun Mahathir was saying about the Malays and how backward they were. The other sad part is that there are so many Malays who do NOT resort to racial slurs and who work hard to make a living. But in comes this Einstein and take all away from them.
The strategy of blasting everyone so that he looks right just goes to show how arrogant this oxygen thief is. If the Hindraf folks are held under ISA, shouldn't this piece of shit be as well? And after all that, the Govt is asking why we have a brain drain. I can tell you of so many genius Malaysians who have left for SG and other greener pastures. No wonder we are left with scum food like these guys. I actually feel sorry for him and his family, who will have no sense of sensitivity and good manners.
Anyway, I thought it was a great way to celebrate our independance and Malaysia Day on Sept 16 as this totally reflects what we have been saying about the state of our country. Happy Birthday Malaysia or should I say Tanah Melayu?
Friday, September 5, 2008
Tanjung Tualang; my roots - Tanjung what???
Last weekend, my cousins and I (Club 29) took a trip to our maternal roots. Allow me to digress and explain Club 29. My 2 cousins (who are siblings) stay in the same road as me with our families. Their youngest sister stays with one of them and because our road number is 29, we call ourselves Club 29. Don't forget this as you will see it appear a lot in future blogs.
Back to our main topic, our mothers are from a small town very famous for its river prawns called Tanjung Tualang. It is a very small town that is caught in the time warp from the 30s. Its so small that you can drive through downtown TT or actually the whole town in 500meters. There isn't much info on this town or you could say a relative large village on the internet and if you google it, you may only see a map on google earth. You can check it out here or the link by the side.
http://www.maplandia.com/malaysia/perak/tanjung-tualang/tanjung-tualang-google-earth.html
It was another adventure for the city-slickers and our kids who has never been to a bonafide village, was acting all "jakun" or "ulu" or hillbilly about it. You can see the irony like a Batman spotlight shining from the darkest caverns.
Our mothers grew up in this little picturesque town back in the 30s. The primary school that my mom went to, is still there and plays a very important role to Tanjung Tualang-ans. The school is the prime (and only) wedding location for the residents. The cool thing is that our cousin in TT, who is actually our second cousin, owns a restaurant here. This TT cousin's grandmother is the sister-in-law of my grandmother (confused yet?). I have met his parents and siblings many times though whenever we meet, we have an awkward silence about us. Shy i guess.
The amusing thing is that my Club 29 cousins have not only met these cousins but never knew of their maternal roots in TT. Up until 5 years ago when I moved to Road 29, they have never even heard of TT let alone know that their mother, my aunt that is, is from TT. So anyway, eager for our children, the next generation, to discover our roots we started on our journey.
It only took us about 2 hours from KL inclusinve of trunk roads. It was very easy to navigate. You take the North-South highway to Ipoh and exit at Tapah. After the toll, turn right to Tapah but at the next traffic light which is a curve you gotta turn right to Kampar. Then go all the way (about 20-25mins) until you see a Petronas and turn left at the next traffic light indicating Teluk Intan. Continue to a while until you see the ONLY TT signboard which means you take a right. Follow the road, curve and all until you come to a T-junction, take right and drive for about 5 mins (cows avoiding included) and you will come to TT. Easy heh?
Our cousin, the restaurant owner is super vain. He looks like a smalltown gangster (probably is, don't wanna ask) with his white shirt, 2 top buttons open, grey jeans, immaculate gel-ed hair that is blow dried to perfection...and...wait for it....wearing clogs!! I forgot the thin mustache that he spots. He is also the chef and when he sweats at the stove, he will take a bath, change and continue. That goes on for a while. In between all that, he will find time ensure his hair stays immaculate.
We the 12 adults and our kids took up 2 of the restaurants 8 tables. We had:-
1) Prawns steamed with herbs and ginger
2) Fried Har-lok prawns
3) Paku vegetable (speciality)
4) Fried Pork
5) Steamed Soon Hock
6) Braised Frog
7) Oyster Omelette
I personally didn't think food was cheap for a relative's restaurant and a town like TT but it wasn't expensive either so it was cool. We then went back to our uncle's house and the kids had a hand in drawing water from the well (how cool is that!) albeit it was drawn by an electric pump la. They had fun plucking rambutans after my brother used a long bamboo stick to twist the rambutans out of the tree. There were turkeys, chickens and budgies that were meant to be sold. Kids ooohhh and aaahhh the place for a while before going back to their PSPs and Nintendos.
I always get a little sentimental when I experience a little history be it my family or just...history in general. TT is good place to drop by on your way to Ipoh (its only 45mins away). Head on down to Thong Lok Restaurant and say Alwyn sent you. They will fix you up with a nice prawny dish.
Back to our main topic, our mothers are from a small town very famous for its river prawns called Tanjung Tualang. It is a very small town that is caught in the time warp from the 30s. Its so small that you can drive through downtown TT or actually the whole town in 500meters. There isn't much info on this town or you could say a relative large village on the internet and if you google it, you may only see a map on google earth. You can check it out here or the link by the side.
http://www.maplandia.com/malaysia/perak/tanjung-tualang/tanjung-tualang-google-earth.html
It was another adventure for the city-slickers and our kids who has never been to a bonafide village, was acting all "jakun" or "ulu" or hillbilly about it. You can see the irony like a Batman spotlight shining from the darkest caverns.
Our mothers grew up in this little picturesque town back in the 30s. The primary school that my mom went to, is still there and plays a very important role to Tanjung Tualang-ans. The school is the prime (and only) wedding location for the residents. The cool thing is that our cousin in TT, who is actually our second cousin, owns a restaurant here. This TT cousin's grandmother is the sister-in-law of my grandmother (confused yet?). I have met his parents and siblings many times though whenever we meet, we have an awkward silence about us. Shy i guess.
The amusing thing is that my Club 29 cousins have not only met these cousins but never knew of their maternal roots in TT. Up until 5 years ago when I moved to Road 29, they have never even heard of TT let alone know that their mother, my aunt that is, is from TT. So anyway, eager for our children, the next generation, to discover our roots we started on our journey.
It only took us about 2 hours from KL inclusinve of trunk roads. It was very easy to navigate. You take the North-South highway to Ipoh and exit at Tapah. After the toll, turn right to Tapah but at the next traffic light which is a curve you gotta turn right to Kampar. Then go all the way (about 20-25mins) until you see a Petronas and turn left at the next traffic light indicating Teluk Intan. Continue to a while until you see the ONLY TT signboard which means you take a right. Follow the road, curve and all until you come to a T-junction, take right and drive for about 5 mins (cows avoiding included) and you will come to TT. Easy heh?
Our cousin, the restaurant owner is super vain. He looks like a smalltown gangster (probably is, don't wanna ask) with his white shirt, 2 top buttons open, grey jeans, immaculate gel-ed hair that is blow dried to perfection...and...wait for it....wearing clogs!! I forgot the thin mustache that he spots. He is also the chef and when he sweats at the stove, he will take a bath, change and continue. That goes on for a while. In between all that, he will find time ensure his hair stays immaculate.
We the 12 adults and our kids took up 2 of the restaurants 8 tables. We had:-
1) Prawns steamed with herbs and ginger
2) Fried Har-lok prawns
3) Paku vegetable (speciality)
4) Fried Pork
5) Steamed Soon Hock
6) Braised Frog
7) Oyster Omelette
I personally didn't think food was cheap for a relative's restaurant and a town like TT but it wasn't expensive either so it was cool. We then went back to our uncle's house and the kids had a hand in drawing water from the well (how cool is that!) albeit it was drawn by an electric pump la. They had fun plucking rambutans after my brother used a long bamboo stick to twist the rambutans out of the tree. There were turkeys, chickens and budgies that were meant to be sold. Kids ooohhh and aaahhh the place for a while before going back to their PSPs and Nintendos.
I always get a little sentimental when I experience a little history be it my family or just...history in general. TT is good place to drop by on your way to Ipoh (its only 45mins away). Head on down to Thong Lok Restaurant and say Alwyn sent you. They will fix you up with a nice prawny dish.
Monday, September 1, 2008
To Fast or not To Fast
As my profile mentioned, I look Malay due to my mixed parentage. This has actually brought a lot of positive points. Whenever I find myself in a govt office in need of their service (ie Registration Dept, Immigration Dept, Postal service, IRD, Police, etc), I actually get pretty decent service. This is back in the old days when our govt servants were much more racist and race symphatizing. How things have changed. Now our efficient govt servants give crap service regardless of race. We definitely have come a long way.
Anyway, I usually get very good service and lots of help until they see my name. By then it's too late and they have to serve me. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Not sure why I am laughing. As with all things in life, the good comes with some inconvenience. Apart from looking Malay, I can also speak very good Malay and can pass of as one very easily. Hence the inconvenience during the holy month of Ramadan. I almost always get questioned every year but the last 4-5 years. Maybe its becoz of the sudden influx of foreigners that they now realize that our Muslim brethren would not be so STUPID as to eat illegally or un-holy-ly in public during this month.
Though it was inconvenient, there were some pretty memorable moments that I have encountered. Back in the early 90's while waiting for my results, I was working as a data entry clerk in Jln Tungku Abdul Rahman. Every lunch hour, I will get my box lunch from this makcik who has a stall of nasi campur (mixed rice) along the lane next to Shiraz restaurant. During the first day of fasting, I did my usual lunch appearance and she was visibly upset. She didn't serve me immediately, i guess with the hope that I would go away. When it was clear that I was very adamant of getting my lunch evident by the frothing of my mouth, she looked at me with a sad look and said "You shouldn't eat and you should have strong faith. Prayer and penintence is important", blah, blah into Shocksville for me!
It was then i realized that she thought I was Malay. When I told her that I wasn't Malay, she gave a super disappointed look that all mothers have when they wanna emotional blackmail you into guilt and said "Not only is your faith weak but you are lying as well". She kept going on about wanting to save me from hell, and bringing me back to the light. I was already seeing a god damn light with all my hunger! She was going on about all this at the top of her voice. Everyone looked at me and I couldnt just walk away lest I was handed over to a lynch mob who would hang me with rubber bands and suffocate me with stryofoam lunch boxes!
I had to show her my crucifix and IC just to convince her to give me my freaking beef rendang and fried fish!! When she was convinced, I became a side show freak as she called all the neighboring stall owners to come watch the circus main event. The eating Malay!! Of coz, I did get a free lunch for my troubles.
I was also reminded of another funny incident recently when I bumped into an old business friend of mine. His name was Anwar (no relation to de butt-loving MP) and he was not in the mood of fasting or even being kosher. His views being (and i FULLY support this view) that on judgement day, he refuses to believe that his dietary habits will be called into questions. There is God saying "Sure you blew up scores of innocent people and children, but at least you ate right!".
So my good buddy and I were eating during the fasting month at an Indian banana leaf rice shop one year. I said grace and made the sign of the cross (as we Catholics do) and proceeded to eat. As I started, I noticed this Malay guy all dressed as with the robe and a white skull cap, with a tag that said he is from the Religious Dept walking straight for us. Seeing me say grace he proceeded to make a bee line towards my friend. I was in utter panic knowing that he is going to get into serious trouble and with so people many watching. Heck, I may be in trouble too just by being there. But that was nothing compared to what Anwar looked like. His eyes were wide with fear and he had gone very white for that few seconds. I thought he was going to pass out but then he did something fantastically remarkable. He made the sign of the cross, bowed his head and pretended to say grace!!!!!
I was super stunned but not more than our poor Tn Haji religious officer. He looked embarrassed and quickly turned away and walked out. I thought that was so freaking funny that I almost fell off the chair both in amusement and relief! So in time to come, I learned which places to avoid and which places are great for eating without hassle. As we approach the holy month of Ramadan, you can find me where the char siew and siew york are. Occassionally I do enjoy some pork knuckles. Join me?
Anyway, I usually get very good service and lots of help until they see my name. By then it's too late and they have to serve me. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Not sure why I am laughing. As with all things in life, the good comes with some inconvenience. Apart from looking Malay, I can also speak very good Malay and can pass of as one very easily. Hence the inconvenience during the holy month of Ramadan. I almost always get questioned every year but the last 4-5 years. Maybe its becoz of the sudden influx of foreigners that they now realize that our Muslim brethren would not be so STUPID as to eat illegally or un-holy-ly in public during this month.
Though it was inconvenient, there were some pretty memorable moments that I have encountered. Back in the early 90's while waiting for my results, I was working as a data entry clerk in Jln Tungku Abdul Rahman. Every lunch hour, I will get my box lunch from this makcik who has a stall of nasi campur (mixed rice) along the lane next to Shiraz restaurant. During the first day of fasting, I did my usual lunch appearance and she was visibly upset. She didn't serve me immediately, i guess with the hope that I would go away. When it was clear that I was very adamant of getting my lunch evident by the frothing of my mouth, she looked at me with a sad look and said "You shouldn't eat and you should have strong faith. Prayer and penintence is important", blah, blah into Shocksville for me!
It was then i realized that she thought I was Malay. When I told her that I wasn't Malay, she gave a super disappointed look that all mothers have when they wanna emotional blackmail you into guilt and said "Not only is your faith weak but you are lying as well". She kept going on about wanting to save me from hell, and bringing me back to the light. I was already seeing a god damn light with all my hunger! She was going on about all this at the top of her voice. Everyone looked at me and I couldnt just walk away lest I was handed over to a lynch mob who would hang me with rubber bands and suffocate me with stryofoam lunch boxes!
I had to show her my crucifix and IC just to convince her to give me my freaking beef rendang and fried fish!! When she was convinced, I became a side show freak as she called all the neighboring stall owners to come watch the circus main event. The eating Malay!! Of coz, I did get a free lunch for my troubles.
I was also reminded of another funny incident recently when I bumped into an old business friend of mine. His name was Anwar (no relation to de butt-loving MP) and he was not in the mood of fasting or even being kosher. His views being (and i FULLY support this view) that on judgement day, he refuses to believe that his dietary habits will be called into questions. There is God saying "Sure you blew up scores of innocent people and children, but at least you ate right!".
So my good buddy and I were eating during the fasting month at an Indian banana leaf rice shop one year. I said grace and made the sign of the cross (as we Catholics do) and proceeded to eat. As I started, I noticed this Malay guy all dressed as with the robe and a white skull cap, with a tag that said he is from the Religious Dept walking straight for us. Seeing me say grace he proceeded to make a bee line towards my friend. I was in utter panic knowing that he is going to get into serious trouble and with so people many watching. Heck, I may be in trouble too just by being there. But that was nothing compared to what Anwar looked like. His eyes were wide with fear and he had gone very white for that few seconds. I thought he was going to pass out but then he did something fantastically remarkable. He made the sign of the cross, bowed his head and pretended to say grace!!!!!
I was super stunned but not more than our poor Tn Haji religious officer. He looked embarrassed and quickly turned away and walked out. I thought that was so freaking funny that I almost fell off the chair both in amusement and relief! So in time to come, I learned which places to avoid and which places are great for eating without hassle. As we approach the holy month of Ramadan, you can find me where the char siew and siew york are. Occassionally I do enjoy some pork knuckles. Join me?
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