What's in a name?

You know, i get a lot of questions about my name, like why does it sound "Mat Salleh" and how come if I'm Indian, I don't have a typical Indian name? To these same Einsteins who asked these questions, a typical Indian name is like Arumugam, Ponnudurai, Raju, etc. Which is a very ethnic Tamil name. I never really knew how to explain it until I heard Russell Peters. He is a Canadian born Indian stand up comedian who is just hilarious and he gave this explanation for his "Mat Salleh" sounding name. Since it made SO much sense, that's my explanation now.

For those of you who don't know world history, you should really take your face out of that Wah Lai Toi or E! Channel or MTV or whatever garbage you stuff your brains with and read some books!!! Geez! Why is history important? Because it tells us that the British colonized India for 400 years. You mean to tell me that in that time they didn't "hump" or "biblically knew" one or two of us Indians???

I am pretty sure my ancestry will have some British blood that has been diluted over the centuries. Thank God, cause who the hell wants to speak with a Cockney accent (they don't pronouce T's)!!! But after going through all that explanation and my Welsh spelling of Alvin, I seem to have got it good. The same Einsteins (mostly Chinese folks) who asks me these bafflingly earth shattering questions about my name, seems to have no problems giving their children OR themselves (these folks need to be pushed down a razor blade and use their testicles as brakes) really, really bad names.

Some names sound really nice in Mandarin or Hokkien or any dialect but when translated to romanized alphabets, it sounds really rude or maybe you just hated your kids. For example, I actually have a friend called Tiang Kah Yu (that's wooden pole in Malay). And folks, it just gets worst! I know a good friend called Chee Sin Fatt, which translated from Cantonese means Crazy Fatt (Fart). My Malay friend calls him Kentut Gila. There are people I know called Tai Hai (great meaning in Mandarin) which means Big Vagina in Cantonese and not a polite way. Another called Huck Hai which is Black Vagina. I actually know a very high level successful lady called Ms Tiew (that's f*** in Cantonese) and another call See Cha Boh (means woman in Hokkien and "Squeeze Boobs" in Cantonese). My own family members despite having someone as critical as me was not spared from this, like my poor niece being call Chi Tzi (which is toilet paper in Cantonese).

Now why would you do that to your child? Is he/she the anti-Christ? Even the anti-Christ in Omen had a great name, Damien. I am ok with the occassional nick name like my son is called Michael and it sounds like Mai Kai which means selling chickens. Now if your surname is Tan which can also mean "egg", you don't want your English name to be Michael. Thats common sense people!!

You may think that these thinking is very prevalent only in the older generation but you'd be so wrong. These new age cousins and friends of this generation is not much better. We have a baby girl called Sage. In case you don't know how to say it, just say "Sau" in your head and then say "Sage" out loud. Then there is a boy called Jaysher (I think that's how its spelled), twins called Edna and Edith (both sounding like English spinsters). Remember Edna Mode in "The Incredibles"? Why would you give your kids that kind of image? Don't you watch the movies or TV? Most folks do this because of numerolgy or some mumbo-jumbo like that. Pls people, it doesn't matter how well the stars aligned to your kids name coz if it sounds rude or have meanings involving private parts, your kid will be traumatized in school and grow up to be a homicidal maniac anyway!

Another interesting name, is a very cool friend of mine called Moses. Yep! Named after the dude who parted the Red Sea. One day he calls my house and my dear old dad who has a great sense of humour picks up. The conversation went something like this:-
Moses : "May I speak to Alwyn pls."
My Dad : "Sure. May I know who's calling?"
Moses : "This is Moses."
My Dad : "Moses? Moses? ohhhhkaaaay"
My Dad (call out to me) : "Hey Jesus Christ! Moses wants to talk to you"

I save the best for last and you know I swear I didn't make this up. I was in Hong Kong and these guys have the funniest names, especially the ones they make up. We were in a Microsoft business event and this girl says that her name is . So I said, "Pui Tse?". She gives me her card and it says "Pussy". I said that's "PUSS-SEE" and she says I like the other pronounciation. Then introduces me to her friend who said her name was and her card said (you guessed it) "Vagina"! I said "This says WERE-GY-NUH and it means the same thing as your friend. Are your boyfriends called DICK and PEN-NIS?". Of course the sarcasm was lost on them.

So my next sure fire make money project is to come up with a book that will give you all the nick names and rude variations in the more common languages in Malaysia. If that is too cumbersome, just drop me a mail with all the suggested names and I will send it back with the different variations of rude and funny names. Trust me, if its funny and rude, kids will find it AND use it! I should know, I was one of them kids. So to atone for my sins, this is my service to you. What's more I give you discount if the names you choose are REALLY funny and manage to make me laugh out with water spewing out of my nose!