The last few articles were focused on some family stuff and also to share with you the kinda food a Chindian would go for. I tried looking out for new and funny stuff to write so that I don't lose my sense of humour. I was talking to a few friends last night and it struck me how much stereotyping we put on our fellow men/women. It could be stereotyping by race, gender or religion.
And we Chindians get most of it because we have 2 cultures, which means twice the stereotyping. But you gotta admit, some of those statements are pretty eerily true! Let's start on race-based stereotyping us Indians.
An example, Indians are drunkards and will beat up our wives and/or set them on fire. That is just so the typically ignorant and misinformed statement that puts our whole social fabric at breaking point (to ask later, how does social wear fabric??).
We don't beat our wives, we sometimes beat our neighbour's or brother's wives! Come on, you gotta be fair. Have you seen Bollywood movies? They will sing at a pitch where hunting dogs will start howling and gnawing at their own tails just to stop the noise. Wouldn't you do something just to stop the torture??!?! Furthermore, just as you are about to kiss her, she starts singing like a banshee that is constipating!! How many times can a man take it?? And all that excessive dancing and clothes!! You'd not only go broke, you would go nuts just trying to undress her!
We are not drunkards! We do drink quite a fair bit and is able to hold our liquor better but we don't get drunk and rowdy! We just get "HAPPY" and want everyone to share in our joy. Sure sometimes we take off our shirts and jump around on tables shouting "Whose your DADDY?!?!?!" and puking on our wives' bosses brand new RM1,500 Hugo Boss shoes. It could happen to a Chinese or Malay guy!
For the record, I wanna say that I have never gotten drunk before...except for that one time where I did and puked in my friends toilet for hours. Funny thing was, I then cleaned up her whole toilet. I never did remember that! Her mother was so grateful, she kept inviting me for LOTS of drinks after that.
Also we do not set our wives on fire. Who came up with that one?? Do you know how much petrol cost these days???? So much easier to just push her off the cliff and claim its an accident. With our police force so incredibly inept and decadent, they will believe anything.
Also Indians are not cheap and like gaudy colours! These are related. You may as well know that we are colour blind! I think when God made us, he also accidentally spilled extra paint in the world so that we only saw dark orange, turquoise, shitty blue (you know the shade of blue that Indians love. You know what I mean!!!) and a shade of green that is never used even by a blind painter. So we don't shop very well and hence don't spend a lot of money. Ok, we are cheap....I have no defense here.
We like eating on banana leaves and our hands not because we are too cheap to buy utensils. Just that Indians were at the beginning of civilization at the Indus River where Mohenjodarro and Harappa were one of the earliest civilizations (this is actually true). Back then, earth were baked into bricks and were used to build buildings and not much was left for utensils, so we used leaves and our hands. As we were inventing utensils, the bloody Macedonian called Alexander the Great came and stole it together with the blue prints from our archives ala Tom Cruise MI style! So until the British came, leaves were all that we had. (Just in case you don't know history, this part is a joke)
Also most people think that all Indians are Tamils and speak Tamil. Tamil is a language and also an ethnic group, just like Cantonese or Hokkien or Hainanese. When the British shipped labourers to Malaysia, only the South Indians were interested to come since the North Indians were too busy trying to look pretty, sharpening their noses and bridges. So we get a majority of Tamils here.
Not all Indians celebrate Deepavali as well. While there is no law against that, Deepavali is more of a religious holiday unlike Chinese New Year which is more of a cultural holiday. Christian Indians don't celebrate Deepavali (yes Indians can be Christians) in its true sense like going to the temple and performing prayers but you can chill out at our house. Just bring some beer.
Many say we Indians stink and have these coconut oil smell that will make a bison buy a eau de toilette (which is French for going to the toilet and saying "EWWWWWW!"). That unfortunately is true. It's not about our diet for goodness sake. You don't see curry streaming down our armpits do you??!?!? It's just that we expire a lot faster than others. You see, we are dark, black, beige or whatever you wanna call us but we are also in one of the hottest places in the world. So we attract heat unlike those silky white hairless Chinese boiled chicken type of people. Not stereotyping, just saying.
So if you are looking to buy a present for an Indian guy, do get him some deodorant or hair mousse (so we don't use the damn coconut oil), really expensive utensils like China, deodorant, latest fashion magazines or clothes from the normal part of the world where real colours are used, lingerie that doesn't involve sari and we men can just RIP it out, deodorant, Chinese cookbooks so that we know what other Chinese food looks like so that we can order other dishes instead of egg fu yong and fried rice ALL the BLOODY time and did I mention deodorant?
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